Sometimes, love needs a helping hand from your family

Marriage doesn’t have to be totally arranged, but it shouldn’t be left completely without support from both families, writes Rym Ghazal

It’s official. There is no shortage of young, unmarried people. If anything, there is a full stock of “perfect” singletons looking to be married off and live happily ever after. Just head to the nearest wedding and you will hear just how many amazing, accomplished, beautiful or handsome, rich and “from good families” single women and men there are.

But why are there so many singletons complaining when there are so many amazing people out there?

I always love to sit back and listen to mothers tell you that there is no one quite like their daughter, who was top of her class, promoted at work (always) and who is proposed to hourly (not daily) and how humble she remains despite her many accomplishments.

When it comes to the sons, there is no one more well-mannered, more respectful, more accomplished than this particular son. They will also tell you how hard it has been for him to find the “right wife” as women are just too “picky” these days.

Usually this row of mothers with single children of marrying age will be sitting next to each other. I usually like to intercede and say: “Hey, how about this man for this lady’s daughter” and I match up the different singletons with a single wave of my magic dessert spoon. My spoon is always put to good use at weddings.

But alas, that is when “details” come into play and all of a sudden, this or that person would not be suitable. I like the flustered look on the mothers’ faces as they start making excuses for their children when a particular match is suggested.

“Well, he is a bit older than I initially said, but almost the same. Older men are much better husbands anyway,” said one mother, whose son went from being in his 30s to 40s, and who was actually married before but that was a mistake and it was the wife’s fault anyway as she wasn’t the family’s choice in the first place.

Like most things, love, marriage and matchmaking need good PR. It really helps when someone puts your best qualities forward before the imperfections are mentioned.

People are so quick to judge, so I actually like it when families and friends promote someone. It is hard out there on your own and every child deserves help and a bit of good PR from their families.

It helps build confidence and also, in Arab communities, particularly the traditional and conservative ones, reputation is everything. If everyone is praising someone, they all respect that person even before meeting her or him.

In mixed weddings, there is also something else going on.

Fathers usually sit back, don’t participate in the competition of “my child is better than yours”, although they will sometimes grunt in agreement at whatever their wives are saying about their kids.

I rarely hear anything about the children from the fathers, which may actually be a problem in the long run. In many Arab families, particularly the more conservative ones, fathers rarely know much about their children besides the basic facts related to where they went to school and where they work.

While that is changing with the new generation of fathers who are more involved, Arab fathers tend to keep a distance related to personal issues. It is almost like they are “too shy” to ask questions related to relationships and love.

However I noticed from my circle of friends that women close to their fathers are often more confident than those who are on more strict relationships with their fathers. They seem to understand men better and make better choices in their intimate relationships. But that could be due to many reasons.

All I know is that when families, particularly parents, believe in their children and give them the tools and the right solid foundation, and try to help them find partners, it actually works out better in the end.

The suitors and people involved take matters more seriously when families are involved and consequently, put more respect and effort. It doesn’t have to be a totally arranged match, but it shouldn’t be left completely without support. Fate often needs a tiny push.

On Twitter: @Arabianmau