This is not the sort of experience you normally expect when going to see a movie – unless your local box office staff are bizarrely strict.
"Name?" barks an Imperial Officer, blocking a stairway and acting much like Peter Cushing's sinister Grand Moff Tarkin from the original Star Wars movie.
“Wes Qel-Droma,” I respond, relatively confidently, having frantically consulted my intergalactic “travel documents” seconds earlier.
“And what is your business?” she continues, throwing me completely. “Er … recreation?” I reply. The stony-faced officer raises an unimpressed eyebrow. I may well be heading for the detention block.
Welcome to Secret Cinema: The Empire Strikes Back, which is giving Star Wars fanatics around the globe a much longed-for taste of life in the Rebel Alliance. And we really are deeply embedded, having been brought to a secret location, spirited along some narrow tunnels then subjected to numerous orders, interrogations and occasional imprisonments.
It’s absolute bliss.
The London-based Secret Cinema project has grown remarkably in recent years and the 2015 venture is a sort of pop-up Star Wars theme park, mixed with interactive theatre.
One of the first of several worlds we’re guided through is a splendid Middle East-style space-souq, where you trade seeds and jewels with aliens while major characters wander about. For long-time fans, childhood suddenly looms large.
I feel genuinely tense whenever a Stormtrooper passes by – but I am also tempted to tell the supercool Boba Fett where Han Solo is hiding out, before remembering that I’m supposed to be on Solo’s side.
Every new visitor is assigned a character and the adventure begins long before you arrive.
"Important Information: Your Departure from Earth," reads the opening transmission from rebel headquarters, which conveniently arrived in an email a few days earlier. It explains that we'll be evacuated from "Earth Cargo Airlines Terminal HX138," the first of many knowing references (THX 1138 was Star Wars creator and director George Lucas's first film), and the attention to detail is admirable. The fictitious Earth Cargo Airlines has a website better than those of some real airlines.
During the online registration process, every ticket-holder is assigned a rebel name, role and dress code. It’s just a scarf, goggles and beige fatigues for us Galactic Explorers, thankfully – Starfighters are required to acquire a jumpsuit – and the train station nearest the secret location is quite a sight. There are custom-made Jedis, droids and aliens everywhere.
“Can I just ask, what on Earth’s going on here?” asks a flustered businessman. “I come through this station every day and every day there are all these people dressed like …” he trails off, as a chap in a tremendously ludicrous Jabba the Hutt costume slithers past.
This may look like something from the Middle East Film and Comic Con but once inside, it's another world. The sets are universally breathtaking and the whole environment is authentically Star Wars, from the public signs to the staff, who remain in character throughout.
Indeed, they clearly revel in intimidating rebels, as my exchange with that Imperial Officer attests. Thankfully, I’m rescued from further awkwardness by a less-cowed Alliance comrade.
“We’re doing routine maintenance,” she says. “Sector 12.” They grudgingly let us pass. It’s worth it, as we reach an important gantry just in time to see R2-D2 ram a Stormtrooper, who looks really quite annoyed.
There are other good guys along the way, such as the charismatic pilots who transport us between planets. These space flights are particularly entertaining, although when our final destination becomes apparent I feel compelled to expel a classic Star Wars quote: "I have a very bad feeling about this."
It wouldn't be fair to reveal exactly what happens next, but the interactive element of the evening builds to a spectacular conclusion, as we all become participants in one of Star Wars' most memorable scenes. It's an unforgettable moment. That once-cocky Alliance maintenance girl almost weeps with emotion, a lifelong dream fulfilled.
There have been moans in the media about the price tag – about €100 (Dh417) a ticket – but the sheer scale and ambition of the experience surely justifies that: it must have cost a fortune to stage.
Plus, the expense acts as a useful filter. Such an immersive event needs to be populated by true enthusiasts or it doesn’t work. I spot a few sullen people in regular clothes (presumably fellow journalists with free tickets), who in this context look sillier than the dude in the Jabba suit. Absolute nerf-herders.
Also notable is the absence of photography. Secret Cinema bans phones and cameras, which are sealed in plastic during the initial spaceport check-in, then handed back later. It’s a little frustrating, but you can hardly pretend to be a rebel fighter while taking endless selfies with Princess Leia.
And that memorable finale wouldn’t work half as well if most of the audience were trying to film it. Which we definitely would have been.
A few factors do test that immersive narrative. At one point we find ourselves in an empire-controlled area, full of Stormtroopers and officers – and a cake stall, which I don’t recall Darth Vader ever stopping off at during the original trilogy (perhaps it was a deleted scene).
More troubling: after the final intergalactic flight, you have to pop back to the previous planet to use the restrooms, which makes it tricky to remain in character. Although the Imperial Officer we approach for directions is impressive.
“That’s a restricted area,” he announces, before asking for the secret password and revealing himself to be a rebel spy. Again, this doesn’t happen at most cinemas.
After living Star Wars for two hours, the film might seem anticlimactic, but this is no regular screening. Flashing lights enhance laser battles, characters charge past your chairs, and live actors recreate major scenes. It's almost akin to a sporting event: we cheer, we boo, and – during that infamous Luke/Leia kiss – we collectively go "ew".
The movie eventually concludes to the sound of mighty cheers, the actors assume their final positions, guest DJ Tom Findlay from Groove Armada spins tunes from the coolest DJ booth ever, while most of us head back down to Earth, glowing like newly activated lightsabers.
“Real life is rubbish,” sighs one costumed chap as he re-enters the station, to widespread agreement.
We’d all trade infinite seeds and jewels to go back up there one more time. And with months to go, we just might. I have a very good feeling about this.
A truly bizarre bazaar
As the name suggests, Secret Cinema: The Empire Strikes Back keeps most of its content under wraps, but one element you might be surprised to encounter is fine Middle Eastern food.
At the heart of this year's Star Wars-themed event is a Berber-style souq, inspired by the desert planet Tatooine, home to Luke Skywalker, which itself was inspired by the real-life Tunisian village of Tataouine, close to where the desert scenes in the original Star Wars movie were filmed. In the upcoming Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Abu Dhabi's Western Region desert was the shooting location for the arid planet Jakku.
This bizarre bazaar is an immersive Star Wars set that doubles as a refreshment zone – and it's an intoxicating blend.
As we step off a rebel spaceship, the initial sights and aromas suggest a North African festival but then you notice a Sandspeeder parked in the town centre, robed traders buying two very familiar droids, and Jawas everywhere.
To accompany that desert setting, the organisers opted for Middle Eastern flavours and their choices are mouth-watering. This is no theme-park menu.
“We had sabich: pita stuffed with fried aubergine and hard-boiled eggs, garlic and dill kraut, tabbouleh and tahini,” says Secret Cinema’s production coordinator Amy Rowe. “Halloumi fries with za’atar yogurt, pomegranate molasses, mint, sumac and pomegranate seeds. Lamb tagine …”
And more besides. The traders are all in character, too, asking for “credits” rather than British pounds, and only accepting contactless credit cards – waving them over a machine is as close to The Force as we can manage.
Also in this bazaar is the famous Cantina Bar, where your place in the queue may well come under threat from an angry Wookie, while alien women dance wildly to the Cantina Band’s exotic blend of eastern jazz and sci-fi sounds. Many visitors actually prefer to hang out down here than watch the movie.
artslife@thenational.ae
