Every year since it launched in 2008, Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle and wellness website, goop.com, has made headlines for its annual gift guide.
Featuring items that are either very expensive, super niche or completely outlandish – or sometimes all three – this year Paltrow has not let us down.
Divided up into "wellness", "kids", "kitchen" and other sections, we've picked 10 of the best and most fun items for you to add to your own wish list.
You can also scroll through the gallery above to see our top picks.
1. Goop Travel Straw, $22
The first red flag here is the fact this straw is made from glass. Glass … travel … we're not sure those two things go together.
The second red flag is the price. That’s $22 for a straw. OK, so it comes in its own recycled plastic case along with a mini-squeegee, but can it code you a new domain name whilst fixing a kale smoothie? No. And that’s what we’d expect if we’re shelling out $22.
2. Aura Stone, $65
Although it looks like something Hawkeye from The Avengers would use as a weapon, Goop assures us that we should: "Smooth this gua sha body-massage stone over your arms, legs, stomach and any other area that needs attention to gently massage muscles and soothe tension."
3. Meditation Pillow, $80
“We wanted a meditation pillow with distraction-defying firmness and shape,” says Goop. But what is so “distraction-defying” about a circle?
Well, they’re the shape of old-school UFOs, bubbles, the Moon, hula hoops, drums. All these things are notoriously distracting. Also … doughnuts. Mmmm, doughnuts. Oh, sorry, we’re supposed to be meditating, aren’t we? Sorry, make that “Ommm, doughnuts.”
4. Pyramid Commode, $35,000
If you’ve got a spare $35,000 knocking about, how about this Elizabeth Paige Smith-designed commode? It’s a 14-drawer storage space which "creates a spatial vortex in whatever room it’s placed in, energetically lifting the vibrations".
Apparently, Kanye West is a client, if you needed another reason not to buy one.
5. Batard Bread Lamp, $210
It’s a lamp. Made of bread. What’s there to not understand? A real loaf covered in resin, it features an "LED light that radiates a warm, comforting glow in whatever room it’s in".
Do you know what else would give you a “warm comforting glow” for a lot less money? Eating some bread.
6. PlantWave, $299
Hook this nifty little machine up to the leaves of your house plant and it will, Goop claims, translate what your greenery is trying to tell you (“The colour of this plant pot leaves me jaded”; “Your cat is trying to eat me again”, most probably) into sounds.
7. Men’s Goop University Sweatshirt, $195
From Goop’s own G Label fashion brand comes this sweatshirt that lets the whole world know you do not respect the education process in the slightest.
It says: “I have an BA in candles”; “Check out my diploma in organic luna recycling”; or, “Might I interest you in medical advice the medical community frequently derides?”
8. Bedtime Rituals Bundle, $84
Consisting of a body oil, bubble bath and a chamomile, silk tree flower and turmeric tonic to "help children ages 2 and up calm down naturally", this ritual pack for youngsters also contains a book called The Lost Elephant.
However, if you pay us $84 instead of giving it to Goop, we will happily come round to your house and wrestle your kids into bed each night.
9. German Oat Flaker, $240
Aside from German oat flakers presumably being superior to other global oat flakers, we can’t quite figure out what this kitchen product is meant to do.
After all, you buy oats from the supermarket already flaked, right? This is not 15th-century England. We're not out here milling our own oats, Gwyneth! There is really no need to re-flake your flaked oats.
10. Efoil 5’6” Cruiser, $12,000
Do your kids love foiling? Do they think it’s “super-rad” and “gnar”? Do you even know what foiling even is?
Us neither, but a quick Google search yielded this result: “A hybrid of surfing and hydrofoil technology, foil surfing replaces the traditional fin at the bottom of a surfboard with a much longer, hydrodynamically designed fin called a blade.”
This gift was in the “tweens” section. So, if you love your tween as much as $12,000, by all means, knock yourself out.
Find the full Goop gift guide here.
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