At the start of a new year and a new decade, many people may feel as if they've been around long enough to learn a thing or two about life. They're a little older and a little wiser, as the saying goes.
Not me, though. Whereas most people get smarter with every year that passes, I just seem to get more stupid. Instead of having a brain that aggregates knowledge over time, I seem to have a cranial capacity that peaked when I was 20 years old. Perhaps it was reading Ulysses by James Joyce that finally filled every megabyte of memory, and files started being deleted willy nilly. Or maybe it was the dissertation I wrote about... something or other that instead of giving me an intellectual workout left me with an inoperable brain hernia.
But since then, I've been a kind of intellectual Benjamin Button, slowly regressing towards the ignorance and naivety of youth, and thirsting for only the lowest of culture. If you believe the date on my birth certificate, I'm 25, but all other indicators point towards 15.
A great example of my growing puerility came a few weeks ago. After getting an iPhone for Christmas, I headed to the online App Store under the pretext of searching for gizmos to make life easier and broaden my horizons. Did I download the Amazon Kindle e-reader or a handy unit converter? Nope. The first thing I went for was a lightsaber application, which makes whooshing noises when I swing the handset around. The second (and my only paid-for app to date) was Sonic the Hedgehog, the old Sega Mega Drive game. Since downloading it, I've spent almost every waking hour trying to regain my former prowess at commanding the titular blue rodent.
And I don't just roam around the digital realm like an simpleton. The bookshelf in my apartment has also begun to suffer. Although I decided to stop buying comic books around the same time I developed armpit hair, I rediscovered the form in a big way last year. And while I tell myself that comics can be both great art and literature (Art Spiegelman's Maus, for example), it doesn't excuse the fact that I also own Marvel Zombies vs the Army of Darkness.
Unsurprisingly perhaps, my choice of home viewing has also been affected by my new-found juvenilia and I've been finding it difficult to get excited about films unless they were at some point banned in Italy.
But I'm also convinced that my declining standards are being fuelled, in part, by some external influence. Was it a coincidence that the first Star Trek movie in almost a decade would not only be released in 2009 but also turn out to be one of the year's finest films? How my adolescent self would have loved it. And who could have predicted that in the year my brain seems to have reverted to a 15-year-old's, Rage Against the Machine (my favourite band in my teenage years) would score a Christmas No 1 in the UK?
Whether it's coincidence or providence, the fact that someone or something seems to be encouraging my regression seems like a good enough reason not to fight it.
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Xpanceo
Started: 2018
Founders: Roman Axelrod, Valentyn Volkov
Based: Dubai, UAE
Industry: Smart contact lenses, augmented/virtual reality
Funding: $40 million
Investor: Opportunity Venture (Asia)
Company Profile
Company name: Hoopla
Date started: March 2023
Founder: Jacqueline Perrottet
Based: Dubai
Number of staff: 10
Investment stage: Pre-seed
Investment required: $500,000
Five calorie-packed Ramadan drinks
Rooh Afza
100ml contains 414 calories
Tang orange drink
100ml serving contains 300 calories
Carob beverage mix
100ml serving contains about 300 calories
Qamar Al Din apricot drink
100ml saving contains 61 calories
Vimto fruit squash
100ml serving contains 30 calories
Company Profile
Name: HyveGeo
Started: 2023
Founders: Abdulaziz bin Redha, Dr Samsurin Welch, Eva Morales and Dr Harjit Singh
Based: Cambridge and Dubai
Number of employees: 8
Industry: Sustainability & Environment
Funding: $200,000 plus undisclosed grant
Investors: Venture capital and government
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Specs: 2024 McLaren Artura Spider
Engine: 3.0-litre twin-turbo V6 and electric motor
Max power: 700hp at 7,500rpm
Max torque: 720Nm at 2,250rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed dual-clutch auto
0-100km/h: 3.0sec
Top speed: 330kph
Price: From Dh1.14 million ($311,000)
On sale: Now
Tailors and retailers miss out on back-to-school rush
Tailors and retailers across the city said it was an ominous start to what is usually a busy season for sales.
With many parents opting to continue home learning for their children, the usual rush to buy school uniforms was muted this year.
“So far we have taken about 70 to 80 orders for items like shirts and trousers,” said Vikram Attrai, manager at Stallion Bespoke Tailors in Dubai.
“Last year in the same period we had about 200 orders and lots of demand.
“We custom fit uniform pieces and use materials such as cotton, wool and cashmere.
“Depending on size, a white shirt with logo is priced at about Dh100 to Dh150 and shorts, trousers, skirts and dresses cost between Dh150 to Dh250 a piece.”
A spokesman for Threads, a uniform shop based in Times Square Centre Dubai, said customer footfall had slowed down dramatically over the past few months.
“Now parents have the option to keep children doing online learning they don’t need uniforms so it has quietened down.”
UAE squad to face Ireland
Ahmed Raza (captain), Chirag Suri (vice-captain), Rohan Mustafa, Mohammed Usman, Mohammed Boota, Zahoor Khan, Junaid Siddique, Waheed Ahmad, Zawar Farid, CP Rizwaan, Aryan Lakra, Karthik Meiyappan, Alishan Sharafu, Basil Hameed, Kashif Daud, Adithya Shetty, Vriitya Aravind
Kamindu Mendis bio
Full name: Pasqual Handi Kamindu Dilanka Mendis
Born: September 30, 1998
Age: 20 years and 26 days
Nationality: Sri Lankan
Major teams Sri Lanka's Under 19 team
Batting style: Left-hander
Bowling style: Right-arm off-spin and slow left-arm orthodox (that's right!)
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The specs
Engine: 2.0-litre 4-cylturbo
Transmission: seven-speed DSG automatic
Power: 242bhp
Torque: 370Nm
Price: Dh136,814
Austrian Grand Prix race timings
Weekend schedule for Austrian Grand Prix - all timings UAE
Friday
Noon-1.30pm First practice
4-5.30pm Second practice
Saturday
1-2pm Final practice
4pm Qualifying
Sunday
4pm Austrian Grand Prix (71 laps)
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Telr
Based: Dubai, UAE
Launch year: 2014
Number of employees: 65
Sector: FinTech and payments
Funding: nearly $30 million so far
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Haltia.ai
Started: 2023
Co-founders: Arto Bendiken and Talal Thabet
Based: Dubai, UAE
Industry: AI
Number of employees: 41
Funding: About $1.7 million
Investors: Self, family and friends
Kill
Director: Nikhil Nagesh Bhat
Starring: Lakshya, Tanya Maniktala, Ashish Vidyarthi, Harsh Chhaya, Raghav Juyal
Rating: 4.5/5
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Gulf rugby
Who’s won what so far in 2018/19
Western Clubs Champions League: Bahrain
Dubai Rugby Sevens: Dubai Hurricanes
West Asia Premiership: Bahrain
What’s left
UAE Conference
March 22, play-offs:
Dubai Hurricanes II v Al Ain Amblers, Jebel Ali Dragons II v Dubai Tigers
March 29, final
UAE Premiership
March 22, play-offs:
Dubai Exiles v Jebel Ali Dragons, Abu Dhabi Harlequins v Dubai Hurricanes
March 29, final
The five pillars of Islam
Company Profile
Name: Direct Debit System
Started: Sept 2017
Based: UAE with a subsidiary in the UK
Industry: FinTech
Funding: Undisclosed
Investors: Elaine Jones
Number of employees: 8
COMPANY PROFILE
Company name: Klipit
Started: 2022
Founders: Venkat Reddy, Mohammed Al Bulooki, Bilal Merchant, Asif Ahmed, Ovais Merchant
Based: Dubai, UAE
Industry: Digital receipts, finance, blockchain
Funding: $4 million
Investors: Privately/self-funded