As I write this, my five-year-old is excitedly throwing toys, books and paint pots into a suitcase. She’s “packing her own bag” to spend five glorious days on the balmy beaches of Goa, after which her father and I will reunite with her in my home city of Mumbai.
This is the first time our daughter is travelling without us, but we’re fully confident that her grandparents will do a spectacular job in keeping her safe, fed and endlessly entertained. After all, they’ve played a massive role in raising my daughter.
As working parents, one with long hours and the other with a long commute, my husband and I get to spend perhaps 30 minutes of quality time with our child on weekdays. This is nowhere near enough. Not to monitor her words and actions so as to instil good values in real-time. Not to practise phonics, writing, reading and counting. Not to read as many bedtime stories as I’d like. And certainly not to recount as many anecdotes of her day as she’d like.
They say it takes a village to raise a child – and I rely on mine unabashedly.
From hiring a nanny three months before I was due to give birth, to living in the same apartment building as my in-laws, and counting on my parents to travel to Dubai whenever I need extra help (work trips; milestone birthday or anniversary weekends; and over some of the many, many school breaks). I have never hesitated in asking for child-rearing help.
It seems as though I’m in good company, too. The forward-thinking Swedes – who regularly rank as some of the happiest people in the world – officially allow grandparents to take paid leave to look after their children’s children.
The legislative change, which was introduced in Sweden last year, also extends to other relatives and even close friends, depending on who a couple feels most comfortable with to co-raise their kids.
Of course, when it comes to parenting, there are many schools of thought. Dubai resident Phagun Amin, who has an 18-month-old daughter, believes she’d lose some amount of control and find it harder to set boundaries were “I to let the grandparents become the parents”. Admittedly, this gave me pause.
Amin, 39, cites examples such as opting to give her child one or two toys at a time, as opposed to buying or exposing her to 10 at one go; or not feeding her newborn honey even though this is practised in some cultures.
“I have become a very structured person. Time management, routine, hygiene, safety and science-backed research are incredibly important to me on my personal motherhood journey,” says Amin. “It’s why only I have ever changed my baby’s diaper, why I don't want to send her to nursery just yet, and why I continue to nurse her at 18 months as per WHO guidelines, much to the incredulity of some of my friends.”
Amin, who gave up working when she embarked on the notoriously challenging IVF journey, adds: “To birth children only to hand them over to someone else to bring up is not my idea of parenting. To me, nobody can offer quite the same amount of love, nourishment and security as a parent, day on day, especially during those crucial early years when children are forming neurologically.”
Others, like Gerald Miller, rely on external help but “definitely not on a daily basis”.
“Perhaps it’s an American thing, but a night out with the wife has become something of a treat to plan after having our boy. We hire a sitter, and enjoy a few hours of quality time before making it back home early enough to be energetic for him in the morning,” says Miller, who works from home most weeks.
A third category of working parents have little choice but to rely on hired help, but they rarely expect, or receive, grandparental aid.
British-Indian mum Sharon Capper-Kaur – who describes her relationship with her parents as “complicated” – says she and her husband, James Capper, consider their nanny, Cristina, an integral member of the household.
“From meeting our nine-year-old daughter at the bus after school to taking her to extra-curricular clubs when we are at work, Cristina has been a blessing,” says Capper-Kaur. “Life is also so much easier in the mornings, when we are getting ready for work, and the nanny can ensure Soraya has had her breakfast and is ready for school.
“I feel mums and dads who try to do everything can feel a lot of pressure, even as a couple. Relying on a childcare professional who looks after the small things that in the moment are big things helps us not get snappy with each other, and instead spend proper quality time as a family and build those important bonds.
“My husband’s parents are elderly and can’t travel much, while I have a complicated relation with mine. So we don’t rely on family; it’s not the default for everyone.”
This is in contrast to the Satyani household, where one set of parents is flown in annually, from India or Nigeria, when the couple take a few weeks off to travel together. The ritual started years ago, when homemaker Reshma Satyani underwent terrible post-partum depression after giving birth to her now pre-teen twin daughters.
“Now, even though the girls are older and more independent, we alternate between the maternal and paternal grandparents for one whole month once a year. We are not comfortable leaving the children alone without family overnight, even though we trust our house help of many years,” says Satyani.
This is the model I most identify with, too – and luckily my husband’s parents and sister all live in Dubai. For me, having a family member monitor the baby’s upbringing offers a measure of comfort. Sure, she has been alone with the nanny now and again but, as a preference, we enlist the grandparents, sister-in-law and even a wise-beyond-her-years niece whenever we’re not around ourselves.
One happy bonus of this arrangement is our daughter, a single child for evermore, is exceptionally close to the family, gleaning lessons that will hopefully hold her in good stead.
In return (for want of a better word), we help out with whatever needs they might have, from driving my in-laws to doctors’ appointments and sending them home-cooked meals, to babysitting in turn for said sister-in-law.
The niece, meanwhile, is happy to be paid in matcha and cookies whenever she comes around, much to both hers and Baby M’s shared glee – and just one more thing they bond over.
