This bloke's last smoke

I’ve been scaling back my chain-smoking operations, in anticipation of the great habit purge next week. As most of us do, I have several vices. Among my worst is chain smoking, which I’ve done for years upon years, as Carl Sagan might say.

It's a tad ironic that this comes when I'm working in Abu Dhabi — a much more smoker-friendly city than any I've lived in. Of course shisha is ironically the exception, with the capital's implementation of new regulations. I've had interviewees speak through smoke in their office, and it seems even hotel lobbies aren't off limits. This is a veritable paradise for smokers — how lovely, to be able to light up in a bright, window-walled coffee shop with a good book.

But all things must pass. Last November, I quit smoking for about a month. I actually began a blog post at the time about the challenges and pride associated with quitting. However, one cigarette lead to another, and soon I was back off the tobacco wagon. I am very glad it didn’t get published before I started smoking again though. I would’ve looked quite silly.

Come January, I decided to give it another go. But I just couldn’t get back into the flow of it — it was just so hard to break that cycle. I’d tell myself I could have a cigarette in the morning and be done with it. But then I’d have one ‘last one’ in the car, then one ‘last one’ when I got to work, one ‘last one’ after lunch and so forth until I resigned myself to try again the next day. Repeat this misadventure daily.

I really don’t enjoy it all that much anymore. I only get a buzz if I haven’t smoked for a millennium, and even then it requires elaborate Tibetan breathing techniques to replicate the wondrous rush. I’ve realised nicotine gum is a much more pleasant medium to inject poison into my bloodstream. It's much stronger, cleaner, and tastier.

I turned 25 a few days ago and it really is time to start taking my health more seriously. I’ve been experiencing chest pain sporadically over the past few years. Sometimes it’s a dull ache, sometimes a sharp shanking. In a neurotic spell, I went for two chest X-rays last year, just to make sure it was all in order. It was. When better to quit? If you have chronic agony and don’t realise it’s time to stop, then a bad habit is the least of your worries.

It’s largely psychological for me, a ritual. The hourly cigarette break gives me time to relax and zone out. Today, though, having gone the longest without a cigarette that I have in a long time, I can sense the chemical withdrawal seeping in. In truth, I’m a zombie minus the cannibalism. Words are difficult at this point in my life. But I’ve worked out little replacement habits and coping mechanisms to nudge me along.

The nicotine gum does assist, but it makes you a little loony after a while. And I’m loony enough as it is. Chocolate and sweets, it is. Better still — and I admit this is very weird — instead of going outside for a cigarette, I’ll go and sit in my car with the engine off. My office is freezing, so sitting in a warm car with my eyes shut is a bit like meditating in a dry sauna. Good times at the Rav4, dubbed Sir Ravi, Spa.

Anyway, this time I’m quitting for real. I can’t stand the phrase “trying to quit”, because as Yoda says: “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

I’m sorry Nicotene, it’s not you — it’s me.

Follow me on twitter at @harethb