There was a point last year where Andrey Rublev got sick of feeling “completely lost”.
It was a feeling that had been haunting him for many years, and it got him stuck in a vicious cycle of constantly questioning himself and the meaning of life.
“I was just kind of in a loop, lost with myself for a couple of years of not finding the way, not understanding what to do, what for?
"It sounds a bit dramatic or whatever, but like what’s the reason or purpose to live? Just completely lost with myself,” revealed Rublev on Monday ahead of the start of his Dubai Duty Free Tennis Championships opener.
“And the thing is, it was not ... One thing is when it's happening one month, two months, three months, okay, maybe you still have patience or something.
"But when it's happening one year, two years, three years, four years, five, and it's coming for many, many years, in one moment it's like you cannot take it anymore.”
Rublev likened it to a small pain in his hand that kept spreading to a wider and wider area. “Then it's like you want to cut the arm and that's it,” he added.
The Russian world No 9 said he took antidepressants for a year but then still did not like the way he was feeling and stopped taking them.
Following his first-round exit at Wimbledon last July, he received help from an unlikely source, Russian former world No 1 Marat Safin, who reached out to Rublev’s team – his coaches are old friends of Safin – and offered to talk to his younger compatriot.
“With the help of Marat, he kind of made me understand myself or look at myself, and that was a bit of a restart from rock bottom and from there at least I was able little by little to start to move in a better direction and now I'm moving little by little in this better direction,” said the 27-year-old Rublev.
“I'm not happy, I'm not in a good or bad place, but I'm not feeling any more stress, I'm not feeling anxious, I'm not having depression. I'm just neutral, not happy, not bad, but at least I found the base and that's like a beginning.”
Around that same period of his conversation with Safin last summer, Rublev started writing the word ‘responsibility’ on different parts of his body or his kit before stepping on court for a match.
More recently, he’s been writing it on his shoe, which is a move inspired by Golden State Warriors star Steph Curry.
“I was watching one of the videos from Steph Curry where he was explaining what helps him before the match to be in a good mood or be ready for the game to do some throws or some sprints. And then he said that he's writing before the game on the shoes some words that motivate him. That mean a lot to him,” explained Rublev.
“And I said, okay, that's a really good option to write it on a shoe because you see it every time you put the shoe on.
"You see it when you look down and it doesn't go away and it's easy to write there. And so I started to do it. And this word, I don't know, is something that triggers me in a good way.”
Rublev believes the word ‘responsibility’ holds him accountable to his actions and also stops him from blaming bad luck or other people’s actions for his own circumstances.
“In the end, it doesn't matter what happened in your life, it's only your fault, no one else’s, you cannot blame anything, or anyone, and I guess this is to remind myself to not complain,” he added.
Rublev believes the first step he took on his healing journey was to be honest with himself – something he believes most people struggle with.
“I also was lying to myself about many things, and I didn't even want to understand or notice them, so it's probably you need someone who can make you see yourself in an honest way,” he said.
On Saturday in Dubai, 17-year-old champion Mirra Andreeva wrapped up her victory speech on centre court by thanking herself.
“Last but not least, I would like to thank me. I know what I have been dealing with so I want to thank me for always believing in me, I want to thank me for never quitting and always dealing with the pressure,” said the Russian teenager.
“Today it was not easy but I chose to be there 100 per cent, so I thank myself for that.”
Rublev laughed when Andreeva’s speech came up and said he really liked what she said. Is he able to see himself in the same way and value his own effort and journey?
“Before impossible, now yes,” he says.
Rublev arrives in Dubai fresh off a title run in Doha, where he defeated British world No 16 Jack Draper in a three-set final on Saturday.
Seeded No 3 in Dubai, Rublev will open his campaign on Tuesday against French qualifier Quentin Halys.
It will be Rublev’s first appearance on centre court in Dubai since his stunning disqualification during last year’s semi-finals, where he screamed in the face of a line judge over a disputed call.
That incident is long forgotten for Rublev, who took full responsibility for his actions before choosing to move on.
“It’s all forgotten. I didn't think about it until you asked now,” said Rublev, who was Dubai champion in 2022.
“I hope, yeah, it's all forgotten. To be honest, I don't know if it sounds good or bad, but it didn't bother me. I was not sleeping in nightmares or something like that, you know? Or having fears to go to play matches, no.
“Things happen sometimes. Sometimes you cross the line and they punish you, fair. Sometimes maybe you don't do anything and they punish you, not fair. Sometimes maybe you cross the line and no one realises and no one punishes you. So, it's life.”
