Stop taking false advice and start living a real life

In a post-factual world, women need to counter falsehood with education and confidence, writes Shelina Zahra Janmohamed

Women need not pay heed to uncalled-for advice that is usually designed to confuse them and make them reconsider their own right decisions. Getty Images

It’s official. We live in a post-factual world. It must be true because I read it on the internet. Even America’s president-elect, Donald Trump, says that the stuff on the internet is true. And those fake Facebook stories that allegedly influenced the election’s outcome? They ought to be true too. Otherwise, how could they be posted on the web?

All of us – especially women – have faced such nonsensical attitudes closer to home. The little “Auntie Trump” who lives next door, or has met us at countless weddings, or somehow just invited herself into our lives to tell us how we are doing it wrong (and obviously has the answer to how to do it right) has been doing this for decades.

Women need to stop feeling bad about being criticised. They should not allow themselves to be shamed into compliance or dictated by others’ opinions while making choices. They definitely don’t need someone else’s brand to tell them what women can and can’t do.

Her fact-free pronouncements and statistically incorrect “advice” are designed to make women feel bad, reconsider their own choices and generally leave devastation in their wake. Auntie Trump, like her namesake, cares little for the havoc she causes. The truth is, she doesn’t even realise it because she is impervious to her inaccuracies and falsehood. But she is everywhere.

There’s the one who asks you when you’re going to have your next child, then the next child, then tells you that you have too many.

Then there’s the one who tells you not to become too educated because then no one will marry you. And then she compares you to women with a doctoral degree who are high-flying executives and, at the same time, managing households and raising their children.

She tells you that you are too old to have children after the age of 30 as you might die from pregnancy-related complications despite you contradicting her with data and research.

She pities you when you have a baby girl and asks you when you will try again for a son. But when you have a baby boy, she tells you that you will not know the joy of a daughter.

She tells you that your pursuit of a professional career is the reason you could not marry or have children and then mocks you for not being the next Sheryl Sandberg. The problem is, she always has an opinion on your life and how you are doing it wrong.

It’s her obligation to tell you, because you know you can’t possibly make your own decisions for yourself that are right for you. She’s the one who has to tell you what is right and what is not.

She knows about life better than you. And if you think you know anything, she will explain to you how things really are. It’s heartbreaking that it is women who are doing this to other women. We must put an end to “auntiesplaining”. There are only two things that act as Kryptonite to her impenetrable wall of unsubstantiated facts and unsolicited views – education and confidence. She will wither under your calm outline of why you appreciate her concern but have your own plans in mind, and that she might like to modify her opinions in light of the facts you produce before her.

Your protest with facts and figures will make her suffer like a vampire under the sunshine. But she will spread those facts to others as she moves ahead. So turn her to your advantage, because just like the internet, when she is correctly informed, she can be a force for good. And remember that just like the internet you must go out and live your own real life.

Shelina Janmohamed is the author of Generation M: Young Muslims Changing the World