Sometimes divorce is the only answer

Divorce is looked down upon in UAE society, but Ayesha Almazroui argues that there are worse outcomes than ending a marriage in cases of abuse or mistreatment.

To tackle domestic abuse, we must first fight the stigma around coming forward to ask for divorce. Amy Leang / The National

A harrowing case was highlighted last week after Dubai Police tweeted the following: “‘I’m the man of the house,’ is the phrase used by the man who, during the course of nine years, physically abused his wife.”

According to Dubai Police, the woman preferred to stay married due to her fear of being judged by society. However, the woman’s parents decided to take her to the police station when the husband attacked her only three days after giving birth.

The police statement noted that the woman’s silence emboldened the husband to continue to abuse her and that he carried some wrong societal notions about masculinity and what being a man really means.

Such a story isn’t an isolated one. Despite the progress being made in women’s empowerment, many women still don’t feel strong enough to stand up against abuse. One reason is that society as a whole isn’t yet comfortable with the idea that divorce in itself is not bad or that it can be a solution to serious problems, such as domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is an issue that was on the FNC's agenda this year, especially in the absence of a strong law to combat it. Last year, the Dubai Foundation for Women and Children (DFWAC) found a significant increase in the number of cases reported to the institution. The number of domestic violence cases rose from 155 to 229 as more women come forward seeking help from authorities. Overall, the foundation dealt with 1,090 cases of domestic abuse last year, with 85 victims seeking shelter within the foundation's premises.

While the increased number can indicate better awareness, let’s keep in mind that it is still only the number of reported cases. One can argue that the majority of cases still don’t get reported and one reason is the stigma attached to asking for divorce. Such deeply rooted stigma prevents many individuals from escaping tough situations and ending their dysfunctional marriages.

To fight domestic abuse, we must also fight the stigma attached to divorce. The words divorce and divorcee continue to have negative connotations.

It’s still seen as a sign of psychological failure or even bad parenting. It has always been considered as a source of shame and a sign that married couples are not working hard enough to save their marriage. And those with children are looked down upon for being selfish and not considering the children’s emotional needs.

But the truth is that divorce can actually be the only solution if all the other options have run out and conflicts remained unresolved. It can also be much better for children than seeing one of their parents abusing the other or witnessing their parents in constant fights with each other.

Despite what some might say, studies show that living in a stable single-parent family is better than living in a dysfunctional two-parent family.

In his book, The Truth About Children and Divorce, psychologist Robert Emery even argues that in cases where the parents do argue often, divorce can actually be a relief to the children because they no longer have to live with all the stress they had experienced.

There needs to be more societal understanding that by getting a divorce, parents can actually be doing the right thing for the sake of their children’s well-being.

However, the stigma of divorce is gender-biased, as women often feel its consequences more than men. A recent study carried out in the UK for the international law firm Slater and Gordon found that divorced women are twice as likely as men to feel shame after divorce.

We don’t know the situation here, but one could argue that women can be more stigmatised severely in a more patriarchal society. Generally speaking, men can find it relatively easy to marry again and start a new life.

However, as divorce rates keep rising in the UAE, we need to continue to discuss and study the causes of divorce and what can be done to address them from their roots. After all, families form the core unit of society and thus determines its strength.

At the same time, we also need a shift in mindset when it comes to divorce. A mature society would realise that divorce can be both positive and negative. The issue is just too complicated to be classified in black or white.

@AyeshaAlmazroui