How do you meet someone new?
It's a question that’s become surprisingly complicated in present-day adulthood. Outside of work or introductions through friends, many of us seem to have forgotten how connections form in the first place.
Talking to a stranger has become something to be avoided rather than embraced. In a world where many of us are glued to our phones and plugged into our headphones, rushing from one thing to the next, seeking out new connections can feel quite difficult.
But I've found there is still one remarkably effective way to befriend someone, and it begins with something as simple as a smile and a greeting. Sure, it can feel daunting and, for some, downright scary, but it remains one of the best ways to start a conversation.
When I was in my teens, I came across a quote by author Augusten Burroughs that has resonated with me since: “I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stunned by this for many years. And then I realised, you just say 'hi'. They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.”
I was reminded of this when I met my boyfriend at the gym late last year. Had I kept to myself, that interaction likely never would have happened. Instead, a smile and friendly conversation blossomed into something neither of us expected.
I also still think about a stranger I met on a flight years ago. We ended up discussing relationships and how meeting the right person can send life in an entirely different direction. Then there was the person I sat next to on a four-and-a-half-hour bus ride from Boston to New York City. We talked for much of the journey, became Facebook friends and even discovered we shared the same birthday.
Neither of those encounters led to a deep, lasting friendship. Yet both conversations stayed with me long after they ended, simply because they reminded me how much can happen when someone takes the first step.
And yet, most of us spend far more time worrying about the possibility of rejection than considering the power of connection.
I'm not sure how this happened, but somewhere along the way, many of us have become convinced that talking to someone we don’t know is unusual or even unwelcome. We tell ourselves they're busy. We assume they don't want to be bothered. We worry about feeling awkward if the conversation doesn't go as planned.
The funny thing is, other people probably have similar thoughts. They, too, may welcome conversation, but are waiting for the other person to make the first move. This only results in a social stalemate, where nobody says anything because everyone is afraid to say something.
In the 2014 study Mistakenly Seeking Solitude, published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, psychologists found that commuters consistently underestimated how much they would enjoy talking to strangers. While many expected the conversations to be unproductive, most reported a far more positive experience than they had anticipated.
In many ways, we're more connected than ever. We can message friends across the world instantly, keep up with people's lives through social media and join online communities built around almost any interest. Yet many of us still feel lonelier than we'd like to admit. As technology continues to evolve, I don't think anything can replace genuine human connection.
At a time when loneliness is increasingly common, and many people struggle to make friends as adults, perhaps we've forgotten the value of small interactions. A conversation with someone at a cafe, on a flight or while waiting in line may not be life-changing, but it can remind us we're all a little more connected than we think.
If it leads nowhere, nothing has been lost. But if it turns into something meaningful, wouldn't it be worth the risk?
Perhaps that's why I still think about Burroughs's quote all these years later. Most of us spend our lives thinking about what could go wrong if we speak to someone we don't know, but we rarely stop to consider that it could go right.
And sometimes, all it takes is one simple “hi” to find out.
