The pain and complications of financial entrapment

Financial abuse - where one spouse controls access to the family finances - exists across all age and income groups, writes Nima Abu Wardeh.

Illustration by Gary Clement for The National

Picture this: three generations living in a flat - the grandma and pa, five of their children and two grandchildren - along with grandchildren's father, who moved into the flat when he married their mother, one of the aforementioned children. I cannot remember if it was a two- or a three-bedroom flat, but you get the idea: lots of people, little space.
Next picture this: married daughter being informed that her husband had bought a villa for his family - himself, his wife and his children - to live in. Not only that, but he'd also chosen, bought and had put in place, every stick of furniture throughout their spanking new home.
One day she's having to queue for the bathroom, the next she's rattling around a two-storey dream home with a mini pool in the back garden.
I wonder how he told her. I wonder how she felt when he did.
What a great guy, you might think. Diligently saving up every penny to get his family out of their cramped living into a magnificent home of their own.
Is he? His wife didn't know a thing about this. My first thought would be: betrayal. Not only did he have his family living in that flat with all those other people while he stashed the cash, but he didn't give his wife the option to choose how they lived then, or now. Or even what bed they'd wake up in or what chair they'd sit on when they moved into their new place.
Given a choice, I feel the wife would have preferred to have left the flat years before for a place of her own, for her and her little ones to thrive.
She had no knowledge, or control over financial resources and what they could do for her life.
This is pretty much the definition of financial abuse. It might not come across as such, but it is because it strips a person from financial knowledge that is important to their sense of well-being, and gives them no say in any financial affairs affecting their daily life.
Well at least he didn't build up debt in her name you might think. True. Others aren't so lucky.
Here in the UAE, I've come across a few wives who've taken out loans or credit cards in their name for their husbands to benefit from, only to be left - deserted - and accountable for the debt.
Many more are simply not included in financial decisions governing how they live - one told me she found out that her husband gets quite a significant lump of rent money from his company - he has them living in a place that eats up around half of it, and uses the rest to buy big boy's toys for himself. It mustn't feel nice to find this out when she's scrimping and saving on children's things - buying second-hand off the internet to help keep the family finances in check.
Even women who are well off, their husbands providing them with lavish lifestyles, skimp and save because there's an inbuilt fear that it could all come tumbling down. This debilitating fear - that has them tossing and turning in their sleep, opening up secret accounts to put money in for an imagined rainy day - all stems from lack of knowledge around family finances.
Any attempt to find out is met with metaphorical chest-beating and affront, and the question of whether the husband is trusted to look after his family's interest.
These women might not get your sympathy - after all, they're living the high life, and can pretty much afford whatever takes their fancy. But they are afraid, not knowing whether their husbands are in debt, stretched too far, and whether their and their children's lives are secure.
Financial abuse exists across age and income groups.
A recent survey in the UK - the largest looking at this issue - found that one in five adults have been subjected to, or are currently in a financially abusive relationship. Their partners control access to money, with some insisting on receipts for all spending, or provide an allowance - in extreme cases it isn't enough to feed and clothe the victims and their children properly.
This sort of abuse isn't limited to one gender, but six out of 10 reporting abuse in the UK are women - with 75 per cent of them saying it started when they got married.
These are the findings of a survey where 4,000 people in the UK were questioned on behalf of the country's Co-operative Bank and the domestic violence charity Refuge. The aim is to highlight and put a stop to this form of abuse.
Any form of financial entrapment is terrible. And so as we near the end of a year and look forward to possibilities that the rest of life could hold, I urge you to think about what you're gifting your loved ones: is it something that you think is magnificent - but that has stripped them of choice?
How about giving the gift of financial empowerment with knowledge, respect and inclusion at its core, to the people who matter to you.
Nima Abu Wardeh is the founder of the personal finance website cashy.me. You can reach her at [e-mail] and find her on Twitter at @nimaabuwardeh