A little word to use with care

There's a word that is cropping up more often than it used to: "no". Don't worry. I'm not being consumed by spleen. I'm not drowning in bile. Unrelenting pessimism has not reared its gloomy head. It is just that as Astrid has started to do more and more things, so the number of things deemed unacceptable increases as well. A calm but firm "no" is the recommended response to these unacceptable things.

Notice the passive voice and the vague vocabulary in the previous sentences. It is easiest to keep questions of morality fuzzy and dim. "No" is the response to the actions of children that we as parents deem to be unacceptable and that society frowns upon or worse. Obviously, there are absolutes, but when it comes to children, morality is surprisingly fluid, prone to abuse and rife with hypocrisy.

The first year of rights and wrongs is very straightforward. "No" is reserved for actions that are dangerous and will result in harm. I remember shouting at Astrid as she toddled towards a hot cup of tea on a table. She was at least a few steps away from the cup, but I could already envision it teetering precariously over her head. I could see scalding liquid raining down on her. In such cases, "no" is instinct. It is a bark that comes out shockingly loud. Often it stops the room dead.

But even if it provokes tears, which it did in this case, you are left in no doubt that you did the right thing. That's it for "no's" in the first year. They are very rare. It is about love not limits. As Astrid has started to understand more, I find myself expecting more from her. For instance, she struggles when I try to put her shoes on or sit her in the car seat and I feel "no" welling up inside me. She should know about this particular activity by now, I think. She is being awkward and misbehaving, I conclude as "no" finds its way to my lips.

That's just one way of doing it, though: parents can quickly becoming armchair dictators in a battle of wills with their children. Often it is better to distract and try again a bit later or some other more positive tactic. "No" is one of the first words that many children learn to say. Use it consistently, sparingly and with respect or else you may find it thrown straight back at you. Astrid has become preoccupied with doors. She puts items, such as teddy bears or other toys, on the other side of a door and shuts it.

Then she turns around and throws up her arms to signal that the teddy bear has "gone". Finally she opens the door and picks up the teddy bear before beginning the process anew. She repeats this routine over and over again. One aspect of this new-found interest in doors can be attributed to curiosity. Opening cupboards or breaking into the fridge is a sign of Astrid's inquisitiveness. It is a straightforward manifestation of the desire to find out what is on the other side.

But there is another aspect to this behaviour: doors are becoming a mechanism for expression. A number of times I have been talking to Astrid or following her around the apartment only to be met by a closing door. Often the timing is a perfect answer to a question I have posed or something I have said. If she understands - and I think she does - it is a slapstick rebuff at which I cannot help but chuckle.