With Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny due to be released in the UAE on Wednesday, it would be remiss of a fan as keen as myself not to embark on a rewatch of the original three films (and that one we don’t talk about) to see if they still have what it takes to entertain.
And if anyone thinks to question my devotion to the character, you should know that I named my firstborn Indiana.
Let the adventure commence …
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
It set the tone for Indiana Jones for the next 42 years, and still succeeds on every possible level.
Rewatching it, I feel that familiar sense of childish excitement as “South America, 1936” appears on screen, whisking me off to places that still feel inconceivably exotic.
Cobwebbed tunnels, poison darts, a golden idol, the rolling boulder – from the start, it's clear this is a movie that celebrates cinema as much as it does the human desire for adventure.
French baddie Belloq (Paul Freeman) is a louche yet worthy adversary, teaming up with the Nazis to find the lost Ark of the Covenant. As Brody (Denholm Elliott) points out: “The army which carries the ark before it is invincible.”
From the jungles of South America, we head to the desert of Egypt via the snowy mountains of Tibet, where we meet Marion (Karen Allen), who the younger me wanted to be. The addition of Indy’s loyal friend Sallah (John Rhys-Davies) completes the gang.
The first of the four four Steven Spielberg-directed Indiana Jones films, Raiders never feels contrived or unbelievable, which is remarkable given the subject matter, but remains a masterclass in storytelling.
Finally, the ending, in which the US government boxes up the ark and packs it away to be forgotten amid a vast warehouse of secrets, still gives me chills.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
I had hoped I might feel more genial towards Kate Capshaw’s Willie Scott upon rewatch. However, if anything, I have less patience for her shrieking and squealing. A trick was missed here with the character because any woman who had the gumption to move from the US to Shanghai by herself in 1935 would have been tougher and less given to histrionics.
The film opens with a Mandarin version of Anything Goes and pretty soon we’re deep in slapstick territory as Indy flails around Club Obi Wan (Star Wars fans rejoice!) looking for the antidote to the poison Lao Che (Roy Chiao) has given him.
Enter child star Ke Huy Quan as Short Round, who steals every scene he’s in before the Indy tropes – aeroplane flying into the sunset, fedora tipped over his eyes, the plane/map scene – unfold, each as comforting as hot chocolate.
The India-set tale takes a darker turn than Raiders with the Thuggee cult and child slavery narrative. Indy, Short Round and Willie head to Pankot Palace to bring down the baddies, free the children and partake of some chilled monkey brains.
The insects remain a visceral scene – I would have let Indy and Short Round be crushed to death rather than put my hand in that hole. So, well done Willie, you’ve gone up a level in my estimation. You’re now at level one.
Short Round’s “I love you, Indy” as he tries to get through to a brainwashed Jones makes me realise why I love this franchise. It’s those moments of poignancy scattered throughout that catch viewers completely unaware and always organic, never forced.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
River Phoenix as young Indy! Sir Sean Connery as his dad! Fans were promised an embarrassment of Indiana Jones riches – how Indy got the scar on his chin, where his fear of snakes and his desire to hunt artefacts came from, how he got the whip, the hat, his name – and boy did Crusade deliver.
Indy’s childhood unfurls in 1912 Utah, culminating in a grave robber putting his fedora on his head and telling him: “You lost today kid, that doesn’t mean you have to like it.” Perfection.
Fast forward to 1938 and Indiana and Marcus “Once got lost in his own museum” Brody are sent to Venice by the shady American artefact collector Water Donovan (Julian Glover) to pick up the trail of the Holy Grail. There, they meet Dr Elsa Schneider (Alison Doody) who is so smart and capable, it’s a shame she turns out to be a – spoiler alert – Nazi.
My excitement ramps up at the anticipation of seeing Connery excel as Henry Jones Sr, who gets dragged into sidecar chases, Nazi book-burning rallies, Hitler autograph sessions and a tank chase in which he exchanges bon mots with Brody while Indy does the grunt work.
Then, out of the blue, there’s one of those lump-in-throat moments as the tank goes over the cliff and Henry Sr grabs his estranged son before choking: “I thought I’d lost you, boy.”
The film ends with a ride off into the sunset to rousing music. Could there be a more fitting ending to this trilogy? I'm not the only one wishing they'd ended things here.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
I’ve watched the other three films dozens of times, but Crystal Skull was one and done for me.
There are more than a few problems with this film. The first is that crystal skulls are not a universally known plot device in the same way as the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail. Why they didn’t have Indiana search for a crowd-pleaser like Atlantis is beyond me.
The second is that Harrison Ford is too old for the role. And I don’t mean playing Indy, but rather, aged 65 at the time, he is glaringly beyond the stunts we’re supposed to believe he pulls off, which takes me out of the action.
The year is 1957. America is at the height of the Communist-era red scare and Cate Blanchett’s Dr Irina Spalko is seeking a fabled crystal skull in order to achieve global mind control. “We will turn you into us,” she vows, in a way that doesn’t feel scary.
The film starts out promisingly, leaning heavily on nostalgia by whisking us off to the warehouse from Raiders and giving us a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant, which still languishes there. And yet, what should be a goosebump moment has already been semaphored so much the thrill has been surgically removed.
Shia LaBeouf is miscast as Mutt Williams, turning up to tell Indy that someone we don’t care about is going to die, something else about El Dorado and Nazca lines and crystal skulls, blah blah blah.
Another issue is that LaBeouf and Ford lack chemistry, a major problem as their relationship is at the heart of the film. So, when Marion reveals that Mutt is her and Indiana’s son, I’m deep in shrug territory.
The big car chase through the Amazon is fun, children love it, but Mutt’s monkey swing through the forest is one of those Spielberg (yes, he came back for this for some reason) moments that feels out of place. The audience pay-off is severely lacking given that the treasure sought is “knowledge”. And when the Mayan temple peels back to reveal a spaceship, I can’t help but wonder how on earth they made that dull.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny is released in the UAE on Wednesday
