For fans who have yet to find a side to support, Paul Radley offers a different look at which players and teams will provide the most drama on and off the pitch, who is most likely to take an early shower, and who commentators want to have the ball at their feet the least.
GROUP A
Commentator's curse: Benoit Assou-Ekotto (Cameroon)
The free-spirited left-back has enjoyed a relatively successful career in English football. David Pleat, the former manager of Assou-Ekotto’s regular employers, Tottenham Hotspur, never has got his name right, though.
Reddest mist: Rafael Marquez (Mexico)
It is 12 years since Marquez saw red for a mid-air headbutt on Cobi Jones while captaining Mexico against the United States. Either he is older and wiser, or older and slower. We will see.
Most likely to want out: Neymar (Brazil)
It has happened before. A young prodigy with the weight of expectations of football’s favourite nation on his shoulders lights up the tournament, then suddenly finds it too difficult to bear ahead of the final. If he does go all “Ronaldo 1998”, the sponsors will not let Neymar leave, either.
Hollywood plot line: Ivica Olic (Croatia)
Played by Paul Bettany, the journeyman hero finally gets the glory after years of injury and diligent underachievement – and gets the girl (Kirsten Dunst), too.
GROUP B
Commentator's curse: Mile Jedinak (Australia)
Mile as in relay. Not Mile as in style. Do not know what is wrong with plain old Michael, though, which is the Australian captain’s given name.
Reddest mist: Nigel de Jong (Netherlands)
Somehow avoided red in 2010. Will have to try harder this time, because a flying kung-fu kick and boot to Xabi Alonso’s chest was nowhere near nasty enough. May have packed nunchucks for the trip to Brazil.
Most likely to want out: Arturo Vidal (Chile)
Nicknamed “The Warrior” in Italy because of his tenacity in the Juventus midfield, Vidal is nothing if not feisty. May put teammates’ noses out of joint if he keeps going on about how good he is and the fact he could be on his way to Real Madrid.
Hollywood plot line: Diego Costa (Spain)
Played by Matt Damon, the all-action hero has no recollection of his previous life. The soldier of fortune is handed new identity papers and is tasked with surviving under enemy fire, even though it must feel like everyone is against him.
GROUP C
Commentator's curse: Lazaros Christodoulopoulos (Greece)
It is a surprise Angela Merkel did not try to impose a consonant tax on Greek people as part of austerity measures. Lazaros Christodoulopoulos and Sokratis Papastathopoulos would have been out of pocket.
Reddest mist: Toshihiro Aoyama (Japan)
No Japanese player has been sent off at a World Cup before. The only way they are likely to break that duck this time is if Aoyama, who is adept at orchestrating fancy goal celebrations, incurs the wrath of the officials for showboating.
Most likely to want out: Radamel Falcao (Colombia)
The world of football has already been robbed of a proper view of arguably its finest striker since he opted to play club football in front of Monaco’s tiny attendances. Now injury has ruled him out of its biggest international gathering, too.
Hollywood plot line: Yaya Toure (Ivory Coast)
Played by Tom Hanks, the hero gets his wish when he wants to be big and rich. Never really grows up, though, and chucks a hissy fit when he does not get his birthday cake.
GROUP D
Commentator's curse: Roy Miller (Costa Rica)
Central American players should have monikers that give commentators free rein for flamboyant enunciations. Costa Rica have the likes of Yeltsin Tejeda, Hansell Arauz and Alvaro Saborio. Then there is Roy Miller. Boring.
Reddest mist: Daniele de Rossi (Italy)
Making a tackle on Andrea Pirlo is tough enough without his minder, De Rossi, getting in the way. Has a tattoo on his calf of a stick man making a foul, inside a hazard warning sign. Loves a red.
Most likely to want out: Edinson Cavani (Uruguay)
Went from the main man at Napoli to second fiddle to Zlatan Ibrahimovic at Paris Saint-Germain. He will have to put up with the same on national duty if Luis Suarez is fit.
Hollywood plot line: Roy Hodgson (England)
Played by Ricky Tomlinson, the home-grown hero leads an unlikely troupe of players through pitfalls and pratfalls before stumbling to the semi-finals, where they lose to Brazil. Reciting Rudyard Kipling's If rather than anecdotes about space monkeys, he is welcomed home a hero and declares he will not quit.
GROUP E
Commentator's curse: Oscar Boniek Garcia (Honduras)
Not because it is an especially tricky one to pronounce, but because it will be impossible for any commentator to mention him without quoting the fact he is named after the Polish great, Zbigniew Boniek. That could wear thin after a while.
Reddest mist: Frikson Erazo (Ecuador)
For no reason more scientific than the fact he is the hardest looking player in the 2014 Panini sticker album.
Most likely to want out: France
This is a major competition. They are France. They are bound to come to blows at some point, rage at the injustice of it all, then storm off in a huff.
Hollywood plot line: Admir Mehmedi (Switzerland)
Played by Owen Wilson, the hero struggles to go anywhere without pining after his beloved dog. Mehmedi used to walk Tim, his pet pug, four times a day when he was a shy foreign player with Dynamo Kiev in Ukraine.
GROUP F:
Reddest mist: Emir Spahic (Bosnia and Herzegovina)
The Bosnia captain was fined recently by the Bundesliga, where he plays for Bayer Leverkusen, for a hand gesture against Daniel Davari, the Braunschweig goalkeeper. As they will be reunited when Bosnia play Iran in the group, there may be afters.
Most likely to want out: Peter Odemwingie (Nigeria)
Has a mixed history with his manager, Stephen Keshi. If Spain suddenly show an interest in him midway through the tournament, he will be in La Roja’s training ground car park quicker than you can say “Harry Redknapp”.
Most likely to want in: Carlos Tevez (Argentina)
Was not even in Alejandro Sabella’s extended squad, let alone the final cut. That will be all well and good if Argentina’s admittedly lavish front line do fire. If they do not, though, the fans will be as restless as Tevez.
Hollywood plot line: Carlos Queiroz (Iran)
Played by Ben Affleck, the hero goes into Brazil under the ruse of being a football manager. Escapes with a full team in tact and the World Cup trophy stashed in the carry-on luggage.
GROUP G:
Commentator's curse: Harrison Afful (Ghana)
Imagine if he makes a mistake during a match. It will be nigh-on impossible for the match announcer to fight the urge to say: “That was awful from Afful.”
Reddest mist: Miroslav Klose (Germany)
For a player of such vast experience, Klose can be surprisingly excitable when the heat is on. He was sent off for two bookable offences after just 37 minutes of the group match against Serbia in South Africa in 2010.
Most likely to want out: Landon Donovan (United States)
Mocked by the son of the manager, Jurgen Klinsmann, on Twitter on the day his absence from the squad was announced, America’s most-capped player must be sore not to be there.
Hollywood plot line: Pepe (Portugal)
Played by Jeremy Renner, the all-action hero has no recollection of his previous life. The soldier of fortune is handed new identity papers and is tasked with surviving under enemy fire, even though it must feel like everyone is against him.
GROUP H:
Commentator's curse: South Korea
Eleven of their squad have either Young (five), Yong (two), Jung, Jeong, Yeung or Jong as part of their name. Differentiating while commentating at match pace could prove to be a tough gig.
Reddest mist: Marouane Fellaini (Belgium)
The woolly haired midfielder was all arms and legs even when he was good. Since then, he has spent a season being useless at Manchester United. He might have been sharpening his elbows on the bench at Old Trafford.
Most likely to want out: Andrei Arshavin (Russia)
The former Arsenal forward has enjoyed an upturn in his club form of late with Zenit St Petersburg. However, he is still paying for sins of the past in the international game and has never found favour with Fabio Capello, the manager.
Hollywood plot line: Vahid Halilhodzic (Algeria)
Played by Russell Crowe, the hero is injured in war, sees his home looted and burnt down, then wins the honour of the republic. Algeria’s manager endured war in the former Yugoslavia, while, in football, he was knighted by the French Republic for his spell with Paris Saint-Germain in 2004.
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