The Original Golf Ball Massage is, as that name betrays, based around being physically manipulated by a therapist who uses actual, real-life golf balls, encased in Perspex, in the palm of their hands. As you might expect, pressure applied through small, hard, spherical objects designed to withstand a hammering from titanium golf-club heads isn’t supposed to be a stroll on the fairway, so to speak. It’s a deep-tissue affair designed to hit hot spots that tend to ache by the time you’ve swung your way through 18 holes – particularly the lower back, hips and shoulders – to improve flexibility and avoid injury.
Naturally, you don’t have to be a golfer to experience the treatment, which is fortunate, because the closest I’ve come to hacking chunks out of a championship course is a faintly embarrassing driving practice session at Abu Dhabi Golf Club (plus a few rounds of pitch-and-putt as a teenager).
I had, however, had a somewhat similar massage a few years ago in Abu Dhabi, which was – as hinted above – somewhat punishing. That prior knowledge, as well as recalling the deceptive strength of previous diminutive Thai therapists (one of whom is my guide through this treatment), served me well. I requested for her to go easy on closest-to-the-bone areas, specifically the shins, to avoid the most painful extremes of the ball on body.
My hour of golf-based pampering starts with a brief hot-towel foot cleanse, before the massage itself, which seemed to be weighted to lull you in gently, up the stakes in the middle, then roll you downhill to the metaphorical 19th hole.
Initially, when my back became the first focus of the Perspex-clad objects of torture, I didn’t even clock that anything but my therapist’s hands were involved. Yet as the pressure increased and she dug the balls into the deepest crevices of my shoulder blades, the relaxation turned to consternation: this was really going to hurt elsewhere.
Thankfully, my worst fears weren’t completely realised. Moving on to the quads and the calves, I only flinched once or twice, although, after turning over, the shin assault was rather more wince-worthy, despite my calls for gentleness being mostly heeded. By comparison, the chest and neck portion was blissful, as was the concluding head rub – the only part of the main treatment, as far as I could tell from my eyes-closed position, not to feature the otherwise ever-present golf balls.
With the excitement of this year’s Ryder Cup only just dying down and the weather in the UAE cooling down, it’s the perfect time of the year to be shouting “Fore!” on the country’s plentiful golf courses. If and when you do, the Original Golf Ball Massage is a cutely themed follow-up that’ll have you returning to the first tee more supple than ever before.
A 60-minute Original Golf Ball Massage at 1847, The Walk JBR, Dubai, costs Dh400 (or 90 minutes for Dh590), including taxes. Call 04 422 1847
aworkman@thenational.ae
