I am suffering from baby-induced insomnia. My brain has transformed from grey matter to grey mush and I spend my days wandering around in a sleep deprived haze. I can no longer think straight. My thoughts are dominated by volumes of formula milk, feeding and nap times. I have actually started to calculate my sleep times in minutes, it's that desperate. I was so tired last week that I actually fell asleep in my car while the traffic lights were on red on the Corniche. The sad thing is I actually felt quite refreshed afterwards and I was probably only out for about 45 seconds. Maybe that's the way forward. I should just drive up and down the Corniche a few times a day and I could probably double my daily snooze tally while waiting for the lights to change.
I had four hours and 33 minutes sleep last night and during that time my whole body was asleep apart from my left ear. It was busy listening out for baby sounds. One ear is on permanent standby ready to kick start the rest of my body in case I'm required to leave my bed and attend to my four-week-old son. I don't know what it is about motherhood but lots of experienced mums have told me that from the minute your offspring makes its appearance, you never sleep properly again. They're not kidding. I hear everything. Each coo, murmur, cry, hiccup and breath appears to be amplified ten-fold and played on a loudspeaker into my head, via my new obsession: the baby monitor.
My life is totally consumed by this clever but annoying little electronic device. I decided to move Charlie into his nursery this week for part of his night time nap and use the baby monitor to check on him. It only took me a short while to get him to sleep but then I spent another half an hour in the nursery testing the monitor with my husband downstairs. After I'd whispered "can your hear me now" in varying tones and volumes to my exasperated other half, I was satisfied finally that all was in working order. I placed the listening part of the monitor next to the television and settled down on the sofa next to my hubby, basking in my new found independence. The problem is, the monitor has flashing lights that blink when the baby makes a noise, rather a distraction for a new, paranoid, mum. My evening of relaxation in front of a film was completely ruined. My husband watched Die Hard II, while I ended up watching Baby Monitor II. So much for having a break. Pathetic invention, what is the point of a monitor when the baby itself is less of a distraction? I've discovered some positive sides though, I can whisper "put the kettle on" to my husband from the nursery without having to budge from the rocking chair. Not sure whether that justifies the monitor's Dh700 price tag though.
To test its use even further, I tried the monitor in our bedroom overnight while the baby slept in his nursery. That was no better either. It was far too loud and disturbed my sleep even further. I did consider putting one ear plug in to try and drown out some of the noise, although that would somewhat defeat the object of having one. A monitor that is, not a baby.
