Depending on whose opinion you listen to, there are a couple of reasons for the popularity of the SUV in this country: they’re dual-purpose, so they can be used on the daily commute or for bashing dunes at the weekend, and they’re ideal for transporting large families, of which there are plenty in the Emirates.
But if you want the latter capability in your car without the need for traversing the desert every Friday afternoon and – gasp – you don’t want an SUV, your choices are rather limited. Allow Kia, then, to demonstrate to you its new CUV: the Grand Carnival.
Yes, it’s an extremely silly name for a car and, yes, calling it a CUV (“crossover utility vehicle”) is pandering to the market’s credulity, so let’s call it what it actually is: a minivan. This, though, does do it a disservice, because it’s so much more than that. It’s actually a car that happens to seat up to eight people – in other markets, you can specify it with a staggering 11 seats, if luggage space isn’t a priority.
It’s a handsome thing in the metal, too. While Toyota seems intent on over-styling all its new models with severe facial features, Kia is quite content to just get on with making its cars as good looking as possible and the result is seriously impressive – after all, just because you have a larger-than-average family doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve given up on life and an appreciation for aesthetically pleasing possessions. Styled under the direction of the former Audi design guru Peter Schreyer, the result is reassuringly premium.
Kia’s people are at pains to point out that this is designed to be as close to a “normal” car as possible, and after a minute or two behind its wheel, you easily forget the vast amount of space behind you. The dashboard is clean and fuss-free, the driving position is very saloon-car-like and there’s plenty of tech to keep everybody happy. There’s little evidence of penny-pinching when it comes to the interior trim, with upper-level plastics soft to the touch and the scratchy stuff left at the bottom, where it belongs. The seats, too, are treated with a stain-resistant coating, should your little bundles of joy end up grinding their chocolates into the fabric or leather.
Everything about the Grand Carnival has been designed to make life for the family as easy as possible – and that includes access and egress, with large, sliding doors to both rear sides and easily configurable and collapsible seats that fold away when required to liberate enough space in which to hold an office party. But as worthy as all this undoubtedly is, how does Kia’s new people carrier actually drive?
Our test route turns out to be a “test commute” from Abu Dhabi’s Saadiyat Island to Dubai and back – 350 kilometres experienced in nothing but straight lines. And in a straight line, it makes a perfectly decent fist of behaving like a well-specified saloon car. Put your foot down and the 3.3L V6 responds with a nice punch and a pleasing growl, the six-speed automatic gearbox shifting seamlessly between ratios and never feeling mismatched to the engine. Its rivals wouldn’t have been able to resist the temptation to blight it with a horrible CVT ’box, so having a traditional auto at your disposal is a welcome change. It’s refined and quiet at speed, and its nicely tuned suspension soaks up bumps and holes with aplomb.
All the test cars happen to be in what Kia calls “GT Spec”, which is laughable when you think of what those two letters normally signify, but if you go back to the origins of “Gran Turismo”, the nomenclature being affixed to this Grand Carnival actually starts to make sense. Because the origins of the phrase are rooted in what European aristocracy used to call the “Grand Tour”, which involved packing their teenage kids off to see other countries in roomy, comfortable horse-drawn carriages, from where they could soak up the cultural differences of foreign lands. If this Kia had been at their disposal, it would have fitted the bill perfectly.
At the end of my tortuous route, I finally reach some corners (they’re tight little roundabouts). I give in to an overwhelming urge to throw the Grand Carnival into them with gusto and I manage to outgun a Porsche Cayenne GTS, the driver of which will no doubt be telling everyone he meets about this maniacal boxy motor. It corners flatly and the power delivery when exiting the bends is substantial enough to keep me entertained. With tyres squealing (relax, this is a private stretch of road), I pull into the car park with raised eyebrows from Kia’s waiting staff. I get out and pat the Grand Carnival on its bonnet – it really is an excellent automobile, and if my family were four times bigger than it actually is, I’d probably buy one.
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