“The sounds are dangerous, but we’re safe inside.” That’s what Tala, a mother in Dubai, decided to tell her four-year-old son who was asking questions on Saturday night as Iran sent projectiles and drones towards the UAE. “I just didn’t know how to talk about war,” she tells The National. “This way, we’re not lying to them and protecting them with information they need to know.”
This is the best thing she could have done, says parenting expert Louise Hurley, a mum-of-two based in Mirdif. “It’s on a need-to-know basis. This is where our level of calm is really important. We might be freaking out right now, but we can’t show that to our children.”
This is a situation every parent in the UAE has been attempting to navigate over the past 24 hours. The question is not whether they will talk to their children about it, but how they will handle that conversation in the best possible way, depending on their age.
Keep younger children moving
For younger ones, it’s vital to remain calm if you can, says Hurley. “They think if you hand them a blue cup instead of a green cup that it’s an emergency. They’re looking to us, so we need to be really measured if at all possible.”
One of the best ways you can do this is by distracting them with movement. “We’re going to be cooped up now inside the house for who knows how long and on top of all the stress we’re going through, we need to be creative about how they move through that nervous energy.”
Hurley suggests inviting them to help unload the washing machine, for example. That way, not only are they getting movement in, but they’re also reminded that everything is normal. "It's heavy work, engaging and moving our body, which helpful in regulating our nervous system," she says.
Caroline Khawand, co-founder of a camp called Big Little Kids, told her own two children, four and six, that it was fireworks on Saturday. But after a night in bed together listening to the blasts, she decided to be as honest as she could. “I told them that the UAE is the safest country in the world, because it’s a fact, it’s how I feel. I want them to understand that we’re so blessed and so lucky to be in this country.”
She told her children that there were “things” flying in the air and that the UAE military is making sure they don’t land on anyone. “My son, who’s four, got really excited that there’s a soldier. I said: ‘Yes, there’s a soldier making sure that we’re safe’ … I was trying to stay vague, but not completely off reality.” What’s most important is that your children trust you, adds Khawand. “Because if they start doubting, then they say, 'OK, will I trust them again next time something happens?'”
Teach older children critical thinking
For older children and teenagers, the conversation can be a bit trickier, says Hurley. “You need to make a choice about boundaries and what to do about social media,” she says. For pre-teens and teenagers, in particular, it’s the ideal time to teach them about critical thinking, about whether or not what they’ve seen has been created with AI, whether it’s official information and how that information made them feel. “Teach them how to make those choices and be hands on. This is not the time to leave them to their own devices with their devices.”
Victoria McKeown, a neurodiversity coach who works with children and adults who have neurodevelopmental disorders such as autism and ADHD, says the advice is going to vary from child to child and household to household. “Telling the truth is very important and not making any hasty negative comments and for all parents to do things to manage their own regulation so they can then provide co-regulation to their family.”
For some parents, that might be staying informed. For others, it might be disconnecting from the news. “Everyone has to do what works for them,” she adds. “It will vary hugely and there is no one size fits all.”
Right now, connection is crucial, adds Hurley. Spending time together, playing games, watching movies are all ways you can keep them calm and feeling like things are normal. For parents who might be struggling with their own nerves, she suggests reducing your exposure to information. “You don’t have to be ignorant, but have boundaries. Set times to check the news, for example.”
Staying calm yourself
If you find yourself catastrophising, then focus on what’s in your control. “What can you prepare? Preparedness makes you feel empowered. Catastrophising makes you feel really helpless … There’s so much we can’t control, so don’t try to control it.”
This is also where a mindfulness practice comes in. Checking in with yourself in the moment can help regulate your nervous system, adds Hurley. This might include deep breathing with longer exhales than inhales. You could try placing an ice pack on your wrists or the back of your neck to bring yourself back into your own body. Or go outside and name five things you can see. “It might be a bit ‘woo-woo’ for some people, but you’ve got nothing to lose, so just try it," she says.
"Your nervous system needs present-tense information. What really helps me is that the birds are singing. Nature goes silent when there’s danger, so as long as I can hear the birds singing, I know I’m OK.”
