Dear Workplace Doctor
A colleague of mine regularly sends emails to me that end with “xoxoxo”. I know this is really just her touchy-feely way of saying “best wishes”, but as a man, I find it inappropriate. Is her behaviour out of line, or at least presumptuous, or am I just being silly? In a way the question is: in an office setting, how much are we allowed to presume about one another?
AC, Media City
Thanks for the letter AC. I once observed a chef being asked to make a rectangular cake, which he did promptly and proudly. Imagine his surprise when the customer argued with him that the cake was unsuitable, purely because the two people had different ideas of what a rectangle should look like.
The only way we can be exactly sure if something, anything, in a workplace is correct or not, is if it is measured against an agreed and common template. So what is the agreed protocol in your company, not someone else’s company, about professional communications?
If things were only as simple as looking up an agreed protocol.
The fact is, what I feel you are dealing with here is more on the side of personal values, and the power they have on influencing our thoughts. Have you ever heard the saying “Our values drive our thinking and our thinking drives our behaviour”? Right now a personal value is influencing the level of resistance that you are feeling, which if it goes unchecked, can fester and explode at any unexpected time. After all when times get tough, all we have is our values, so finding a situation misaligned to your values is by no means “being silly”, to reference your words.
So perhaps the true question here is “from where should policies come in organisations?” Or even better, how can the inclusion of people influence business decisions because as you are showing us so well AC, if you do not agree with something, you will simply not support it.
I guess your letter is not only stating the situation but searching for suggestions in how to handle this situation. Non-threatening communication techniques come instantly to my mind here which concurrently provide factual feedback. These are received as “non-threatening”, as they focus on the self and not on the other person or the other person’s actions.
I am often asked “How do I handle my boss when she screams and shouts at me in front of others?” This question and yours are really in the same boat – that of emotionally-charged situations that if not dealt with well shall blow up even further.
What do you notice about this response?
“When I receive loud discouragement in front of customers and peers, it makes me lose confidence and not able to follow the required standards. It would help me if feedback or discipline was delivered out of the public view.”
First, I see three sections to the response or feedback: a) the example b) the effect and c) the required or requested change. Second, never once is the other person mentioned, ensuring it is difficult for others to dispute your facts, as the facts are about only yourself.
For your uncomfortable xoxo situation (written in exclusion of any corporate policy) and following the same technique, how would this feedback work for you?
Mary, when your emails to me have an xoxo as a signoff, it makes me uncomfortable against my values and feelings. It would help me greatly if signoffs could be more of the corporate type.
AC, nothing is right or wrong but rather differing consequences. Perhaps the question that needs to be asked right now could include: a) what can be the advantages of addressing this situation and / or b) what can be the disadvantages of not addressing this situation to you, the other person and the workplace.
Doctor’s prescription
Remain aligned to your values – they will serve you well in work and life.
Debbie Nicol, the managing director of Dubai-based business en motion, is a consultant on leadership and organisational development, strategic change and corporate culture. Email her at debbie.nicol@businessenmotion.com for the Workplace Doctor’s advice on your challenges, whether as an employee, a manager or a colleague