Alex Davda, the Workplace Doctor: Cut off from office invitations after promotion to management level

I've always enjoyed being part of a team but since being promoted to management level, I find the office invitations don't get extended to me very often any more. Fair enough as I often have to make unpopular decisions, but I miss the camaraderie of being part of the gang. How do I adjust to my new position and where should I look for that social interaction that I consider an important part of my working life? KH, Dubai

It can get quite lonely at the top, especially for those who go from being a key part of the team to management – an invisible wall can go up as colleagues reassess what is appropriate in your presence. Sometimes the joys of a senior role and more responsibility come with the downside of having to step back from a peer group you may have socialised with, sought advice from and even called your friends. It is inevitable that people will see you differently, but don’t despair, some may still feel comfortable spending time with you. But for sure you need to psychologically adjust to being the leader of the pack and tackle your new social position along with your management responsibilities.

From the animal kingdom to all aspects of human society, the power of “position” has currency and influences how others respond to you. It is natural that those you may have been friendly with may feel less secure – especially if they are underperforming or have a touch of impostor syndrome.

Former comrades who now report to you may also be wary of being "too close" to management, which could influence them to take a step back from publicly chatting and socialising with you. As the very person who will now hire and fire or hold the dreaded performance reviews, you are in a uniquely threatening position.

As with any leadership challenge, you should first explore your demeanour at work and try to register any shifts you have made (consciously and unconsciously) to fit this new role. How much of your old self have you let go, and how much have you been able to hold on to?

Do former friends have reason to feel threatened, or have you unintentionally lost qualities that made you fun to socialise with? Perhaps you are simply less available to your former peers, and could boost relationships with something easy like a team coffee every couple of weeks. Explore your own thinking and behaviour to see if you might have been signalling people to distance themselves from you.

On the other hand, you could be reading the situation as more extreme than it actually is. Positional power and responsibility can affect our beliefs about the behaviour and intentions of others. It may be that you feel that office invitations are less likely to be extended to you now, or that your new status is leading you to suffer from Fomo: the fear of missing out. Or perhaps you are just reacting to your own developing perception of “the new you”. Many very senior leaders alter their beliefs about the generosity of others when they have to start considering the true motivation of colleagues, so this is not unusual. Relaxing out of your new role in social situations, and remembering not to read too much into people’s actions may take time, but it could be a way to ease back into the group.

That being said, humans are social creatures and no matter how friendly you are with your team, some of the “them and us” mentality will always seep through. For this reason I would suggest you also try and find some social interaction with other managers at your career level. Find another manager to share lunch with, socialise with and seek advice from, and you might get some insight into how they managed this transition themselves.

As you move up an organisation some will continue to support you, whereas others will smile to your face but act differently behind your back. Your promotion may be an opportunity to make new friends at management level, but equally this change may also be a chance to look to the broader organisation and elsewhere for further social stimulus. Perhaps this is a problem with your own perception or maybe your team are simply waiting to see where you set the bar, but if you had camaraderie before, there is no reason you can’t take a few steps back towards something similar once you have all had time to adjust.

Alex Davda is a business psychologist and consultant at Ashridge Executive Education, Hult International Business School, and is based in the Middle East. Email him at [e-mail] for advice on any work issues.

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