A little girl with big dreams is how I’m usually identified. Though I’m too tall to be called little, it seems my young age is what makes people label me as such.
Ever since I was a child, I was known for my high aims. When I was 6, I decided I wanted to be a businesswoman and started selling sweets to my cousins. When I was 8, I decided I wanted a doctorate, and as a result took my studies more seriously. At 9, I grabbed a pencil and a notebook, and I haven’t stopped writing since. When I was 12, I decided I wanted to be a novelist.
Many of my dreams evaporated over time as I outgrew them, but many also stuck with me as I blossomed into the woman I am today, such as attaining a doctorate and becoming a novelist.
I worked extremely hard to improve as a writer before I motivated myself to write a book. I started off with poems, articles and short stories to prepare myself. At the age of 16, I finally felt ready to start writing my first novel. The book was published when I was 17, which was the best day of my life.
From that point, I felt like I was going nowhere. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the feedback that was bothering me. I got negative and positive feedback, and constructive criticism never bothered me anyway. I actually enjoy it when people tell me what I’ve done wrong, because that shows they’re actually interested in what I have to offer and want to see me improve.
What upset me the most was I wasn't at the place I wanted to be. I wanted things to go better for me. I wanted to become a New York Times best-selling author. But I wasn't, which made me feel like a failure. From that point, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was too scared to continue writing in case I disappointed others and myself. I felt like I'd fulfilled my dream of publishing a book, and there I was, sitting, being a complete waste of space.
But then it hit me – my dreams of writing will never be satisfied, and I will have to write until the day I die. The way I see it, I have to do what I love – and getting people’s respect is a bonus. After publishing my first novel, I realised I’d forgotten that I wrote for myself, not others. And now I realise other people’s enjoyment of my work is my motivation, but not the sole purpose.
I’m currently working on my second novel, and hoping to get it published by next year. With this one, I hope to deliver something bigger and better. It matters not whether it appeals to the masses, it only matters whether or not I enjoyed the writing process and if I’m proud of the final product.
Though I’m just a year older since publishing my first novel, there’s no doubt I’m wiser. I know my dreams aren’t as preposterous as they seem and can be achieved. But what I need to keep in mind is that things like this take time, and the writing process isn’t the only way to reach those dreams. As for New York, I’m coming for it.
Alia AlHazami is a student at the American University of Sharjah and the author of the book Alatash.
