BERLIN // Joseph of Nazareth is under a lot of stress, unsurprisingly. His wife, the Virgin Mary, has suddenly announced that she is pregnant. It's not his child, and she doesn't know how it happened, she says.
So the carpenter has decided to let off steam via Twitter in a gently amusing take on the Christmas story that is attracting thousands of followers in Germany, and will predictably run until December 24.
"Of course I'd noticed that Mary had been getting fuller around the hips. But I thought it would be a dumb idea to tell her that," writes Joseph, an anonymous tweeter under the username Joseph_von_naza.
"She says she has known for three months. She was six months pregnant at the time. She didn't know how to tell me. What do I do now?" he tweets. "This is a shock for me. Of course I wanted children. But my own. Trying to distract myself by working."
His profile portrait is a digitally manipulated image showing a smiling, bearded man in a green polo neck jumper.
All he says about himself is that he is "Joseph of Nazareth, 35 years old and married. Run a small third-generation carpentry business in the centre of Nazareth."
He has already gained more than 9,000 followers on Twitter. "So many followers," he writes. "Usually not even my donkey follows me when I call him." He seizes on his growing fame to try to drum up some business. "Do you need carpentry work done in or around Nazareth? Then I'm your man!"
He started his tweets on December 1 admitting that he was a novice regarding technology and that his wife had put him up to it. "Mary says this is how things are done these days," he wrote.
Joseph's writings made the front page of Die Welt, one of Germany's leading newspapers, last week and its journalists contacted the tweeter, a Protestant Christian who wants to remain anonymous.
"We've heard the Christmas story a thousand times but no one has devoted much thought about what it's like for Joseph," he told the newspaper.
After much soul-searching about the prospects for his marriage, he announced last Thursday to his relieved readers: "Have decided to stay with Mary! Because I trust her when she says she can't explain how it happened."
Joseph's tongue-in-cheek tweets so far have been so innocuous that there have been no complaints from church leaders. In fact, Catholic and Protestant news services in Germany have written lengthy news articles about him.
Joseph isn't the only biblical figure that has resorted to social networking this Christmas.
A German Facebook user calling herself "Mary of Nazareth" has also been giving regular updates about her pregnancy, for example complaining about the cost of prams these days.
The woman behind Mary wants to remain anonymous too, and said her "project" was not just intended to entertain but also to interest the web generation in the Christian faith.
"I want to get young, non-religious people to approach the Christmas story in a different way," she told Augsburger Allgemeine, a regional newspaper from Bavaria. "What problems and challenges would Mary and Joseph face today?"
In the meantime, Joseph is hard at work. "Many inns are ordering tables that seat up to 12 people," he tweets, in an apparent reference to the 12 Apostles.
The story goes on, and Joseph's fame is growing. "Maybe he - whoever he is - will post a baby photo on December 25 and set up a profile for the newborn child," Süddeutsche Zeitung wrote this week. "Jesus would be assured of his father's thousands of followers in one go."
dcrossland@thenational.ae
Paatal Lok season two
Directors: Avinash Arun, Prosit Roy
Stars: Jaideep Ahlawat, Ishwak Singh, Lc Sekhose, Merenla Imsong
Rating: 4.5/5
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UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
The specs
Engine: 4.0-litre V8 twin-turbocharged and three electric motors
Power: Combined output 920hp
Torque: 730Nm at 4,000-7,000rpm
Transmission: 8-speed dual-clutch automatic
Fuel consumption: 11.2L/100km
On sale: Now, deliveries expected later in 2025
Price: expected to start at Dh1,432,000
THE LIGHT
Director: Tom Tykwer
Starring: Tala Al Deen, Nicolette Krebitz, Lars Eidinger
Rating: 3/5
THE SPECS
Engine: 2.0-litre four-cylinder turbo
Transmission: eight-speed automatic
Power: 258hp at 5,000-6,500rpm
Torque: 400Nm from 1,550-4,400rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 6.4L/100km
Price, base: from D215,000 (Dh230,000 as tested)
On sale: now
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Volvo ES90 Specs
Engine: Electric single motor (96kW), twin motor (106kW) and twin motor performance (106kW)
Power: 333hp, 449hp, 680hp
Torque: 480Nm, 670Nm, 870Nm
On sale: Later in 2025 or early 2026, depending on region
Price: Exact regional pricing TBA
Islamophobia definition
A widely accepted definition was made by the All Party Parliamentary Group on British Muslims in 2019: “Islamophobia is rooted in racism and is a type of racism that targets expressions of Muslimness or perceived Muslimness.” It further defines it as “inciting hatred or violence against Muslims”.
Indoor cricket in a nutshell
Indoor Cricket World Cup - Sept 16-20, Insportz, Dubai
16 Indoor cricket matches are 16 overs per side
8 There are eight players per team
9 There have been nine Indoor Cricket World Cups for men. Australia have won every one.
5 Five runs are deducted from the score when a wickets falls
4 Batsmen bat in pairs, facing four overs per partnership
Scoring In indoor cricket, runs are scored by way of both physical and bonus runs. Physical runs are scored by both batsmen completing a run from one crease to the other. Bonus runs are scored when the ball hits a net in different zones, but only when at least one physical run is score.
Zones
A Front net, behind the striker and wicketkeeper: 0 runs
B Side nets, between the striker and halfway down the pitch: 1 run
C Side nets between halfway and the bowlers end: 2 runs
D Back net: 4 runs on the bounce, 6 runs on the full
Nepotism is the name of the game
Salman Khan’s father, Salim Khan, is one of Bollywood’s most legendary screenwriters. Through his partnership with co-writer Javed Akhtar, Salim is credited with having paved the path for the Indian film industry’s blockbuster format in the 1970s. Something his son now rules the roost of. More importantly, the Salim-Javed duo also created the persona of the “angry young man” for Bollywood megastar Amitabh Bachchan in the 1970s, reflecting the angst of the average Indian. In choosing to be the ordinary man’s “hero” as opposed to a thespian in new Bollywood, Salman Khan remains tightly linked to his father’s oeuvre. Thanks dad.