The marriage market has changed since old-time ‘khattaba’

Appearance is more important, in spouse selection, than it used to be, say the matchmakers known as khattabat. There are psychological implications.

‘Oh khattaba oh khattaba! Find me a nice girl; who would look after me; and would accept me the way I am. She doesn’t have to be beautiful; some beauty is not worth it. It’s enough that she is faithful and loving; and that she doesn’t lie about loving me.”

These lyrics are by the Kuwaiti pop group Miami Band. The song repetitively expresses the utopian sentiment that looks don’t matter. In verse after verse, we are reminded that physical appearance is unimportant and that it is faithfulness, selfless piety and emotional responsiveness that truly count.

The khattaba, the person to whom the melancholic singers are appealing, is a traditional community figure, known throughout the Arab world for her services as a matchmaker or marriage broker.

This song, I’m informed, has become a frequent favourite at some wedding parties in the UAE. Perhaps its popularity is, in part, a nostalgic yearning for a return to an imagined age where physical appearance carried far less importance than it does today. A time when people were more satisfied with their appearance, and felt less pressured to obtain an unreachable beauty ideal.

The regional research looking at appearance satisfaction consistently reports relatively high levels of dissatisfaction, particularly among women. Often such dissatisfaction turns into distress, which can lead to desperate attempts at appearance enhancement. Such behaviours might include extreme diets or frequently undergoing unnecessary (elective) cosmetic interventions, even surgeries.

One assumption made within much of this research is that appearance dissatisfaction in the Arabian Gulf region is a relatively new phenomenon: an unhealthy by-product of rapid urbanisation and increased exposure to the global culture of modernity.

One person who can help answer questions about actual changes in appearance preferences is the khattaba. Typically, the khattaba will meet the female relatives of a man wishing to get married and obtain from them a set of attributes deemed desirable in a potential wife – a kind of wife-specification, or a wish list. Some khattabat (plural) have performed this matchmaking services for decades, and as a result are well positioned to comment on any changes in the attributes most generally deemed desirable in marital partners.

As part of a larger research study looking at eating disorders, our research team identified and interviewed a small number of long-standing khattabat. These ladies – five in total, each with more than 20 years of experience – independently reported that specifications had changed substantially since they first began brokering marriages.

Perhaps the most obvious change is that the wife-seekers of the past would specify relatively more non-physical attributes, like: being pious, from a good family and kind-hearted. The ratio of physical to non-physical attributes has now almost reversed, with today’s wife-seekers reportedly being far more likely to list appearance-related attributes, for example; slim, tall (but not taller than him) and light-complexioned.

While attributes such as a light complexion have always made the wish list, tallness and slimness are relative newcomers. Another new and fairly radical change includes an occasional request that the prospective wife should be employed. In the past, this was virtually never a requirement. One khattaba suggested that these requests reflected a growing societal materialism, where the idea of dual incomes is viewed as ever more important.

In short, the requests received by today’s khattabat are a far cry from the poetic and romantic notions conveyed in the popular song Ya Khattaba Ya Khattaba. Physical appearance matters greatly and, at least according to our study, it now matters more than it once did.

What effect might this have on the psychological well-being of young females? Is it the case that mothers, well aware of “marital market forces”, encourage their daughters to strive for current societal ideals in terms of physical appearance? What further effect might the rising rates of spinsterhood have?

When one considers these factors, it is easy to appreciate the comforting appeal of the khattaba song.

Justin Thomas, an associate professor at Zayed University, is the author of Psychological Well-Being in the Gulf States: The New Arabia Felix