Asked the best way to approach the Road Hole, Arnold Palmer smiled wryly and replied: "In an ambulance ?"
Welcome to the most fiendish, the most difficult, the most round-wrecking hole on earth; the 461-yard par-four 17th at St Andrews where ghoulish rubberneckers will assemble later this week to watch the world's best players (plus a supporting cast of A-list celebrities) do battle with golf's greatest challenge during the Dunhill Links Championship.
So what makes this stretch of coast along the North Sea, which Palmer once completed in 10 ugly strokes, such a treacherous minefield?
According to the local caddies who gather in the nearby Jigger Inn and swap Road Hole anecdotes amid much hilarity, the prescribed line of attack from the tee consists of a blind drive over the gold- lettered middle "O" on the shed proclaiming "St Andrews Old Course Hotel", to a narrow landing strip of fairway.
If you have avoided going out of bounds down the right and missed the jungle of rough that awaits to the left, your approach shot should be a low, controlled "chaser" on to the obliquely-angled and contoured green, hopefully avoiding the notorious ball-guzzling pot bunker that stands guard in front of the flag.
Beyond the green lies further misery; a Tarmac road bordered by an unforgiving stone dyke, over which hang the legion of St Andrews thrill-seekers; folk, like me, who would take great delight in the sight of a nutty professor hurtling down a roof frantically flapping a set of wings fashioned from ostrich feathers.
The cruelty of the Road Hole is that danger lurks every inch of the way.
During the 1978 British Open championship, the tournament leader Tommy Nakajima of Japan arrived safely on the rolling green in two only to send his putt off the green and into the sand.
From there, he needed four slas-hes to break free on his way to a traumatic nine. The bunker has henceforth been known as "the Sands of Nakajima". He was neither the first nor last man to bid Sayonara (goodbye in Japanese) to the old Claret Jug at this spot.
In 1885 the local professional David Ayton led the British Open by a seemingly impregnable five shots when he came to the 17th on the final afternoon.
Short and right of the putting surface, Ayton's approach veered off into the bunker from where he sent his escape scuttling through the green and onto the road.
His first chip ran up the bank, stopped and rolled back down...his second attempt flew the green back into the bunker which he had only recently vacated, this time taking three to get out.
Ayton eventually signed for an 11, losing the Open to fellow-Scot Bob Martin by two strokes.
But perhaps no golfer has been so bedevilled by the "Curse of the Road Hole" than the five-time British Open champion Tom Watson who strode on to the tee on the final afternoon in 1984 tied for the lead with Severiano Ballesteros.
A precision drive left him 183 yards from the pin whereupon he mystifyingly plucked a two-iron - you might as well try to land a ball on the bonnet of a Volkswagen Beetle - and duly sent his approach soaring over the green to within 18 inches of the wall.
Watson could only jab the ball on to the green some 40ft from the flag and a subsequent bogey at the very instant a thunderous roar of approval greeted Ballesteros's birdie on the last.
It would be 25 long years before Watson would ever again be a contender in any major championship. (And we all know what happened at Turnberry in July.)
Aye, have the medics standing by....
The Dunhill Links Championship has become the Blue Riband event of the celebrity golf circuit, attracting those such as Samuel L Jackson and Hugh Grant...Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones...Sir Bobby Charlton and Johan Cruyff...Boris Becker and Franz Klammer...Shane Warne and Sir Ian Botham...all knees a'knocking on the first tee.
"You have to remember that whatever their level of celebrity - and it can be Kenny Dalglish or Huey Lewis - they are highly successful and often fiercely competitive on their own stage but likely to be overcome with nerves when asked to tee off in front of the eyes of a gallery," explains Sandy Lyle.
"Some pros dread the pro-celebs which can make for a very long four or five hours out on the course but I've always enjoyed the experience and try my best to make sure my partners enjoy it as much as I do.
"At the Bing Crosby tournament in Florida one spring, I was fortunate to be paired with astronaut Alan Shepherd who smuggled a five-iron and ball aboard Apollo 14 and became the only and only man since the dawn of time to play golf on the moon, 'hitting it miles and miles and miles...'
"Alan told me an amusing tale of the night he and fellow astronaut Edgar Mitchell were woken by a strange clanging noise in the lunar module.
"'Did you hear that...?' Alan whispered. 'Yeah, what do you think it was...?' Mitchell replied in a similarly hushed tone.
"I don't know. Neither do I know why we're whispering when the nearest life form - I hope - is a quarter of a million miles away on Earth..."
Alas, not all the stars burn as bright as Alan Shepherd. "There are some, bless them," continues Lyle, "who stand over their eighth shot and ask, 'what should I take from here?'
"'The first flight' would be the kindest reply..."
rphilip@thenational.ae
Zayed Sustainability Prize
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Mercer, the investment consulting arm of US services company Marsh & McLennan, expects its wealth division to at least double its assets under management (AUM) in the Middle East as wealth in the region continues to grow despite economic headwinds, a company official said.
Mercer Wealth, which globally has $160 billion in AUM, plans to boost its AUM in the region to $2-$3bn in the next 2-3 years from the present $1bn, said Yasir AbuShaban, a Dubai-based principal with Mercer Wealth.
“Within the next two to three years, we are looking at reaching $2 to $3 billion as a conservative estimate and we do see an opportunity to do so,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Mercer does not directly make investments, but allocates clients’ money they have discretion to, to professional asset managers. They also provide advice to clients.
“We have buying power. We can negotiate on their (client’s) behalf with asset managers to provide them lower fees than they otherwise would have to get on their own,” he added.
Mercer Wealth’s clients include sovereign wealth funds, family offices, and insurance companies among others.
From its office in Dubai, Mercer also looks after Africa, India and Turkey, where they also see opportunity for growth.
Wealth creation in Middle East and Africa (MEA) grew 8.5 per cent to $8.1 trillion last year from $7.5tn in 2015, higher than last year’s global average of 6 per cent and the second-highest growth in a region after Asia-Pacific which grew 9.9 per cent, according to consultancy Boston Consulting Group (BCG). In the region, where wealth grew just 1.9 per cent in 2015 compared with 2014, a pickup in oil prices has helped in wealth generation.
BCG is forecasting MEA wealth will rise to $12tn by 2021, growing at an annual average of 8 per cent.
Drivers of wealth generation in the region will be split evenly between new wealth creation and growth of performance of existing assets, according to BCG.
Another general trend in the region is clients’ looking for a comprehensive approach to investing, according to Mr AbuShaban.
“Institutional investors or some of the families are seeing a slowdown in the available capital they have to invest and in that sense they are looking at optimizing the way they manage their portfolios and making sure they are not investing haphazardly and different parts of their investment are working together,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Some clients also have a higher appetite for risk, given the low interest-rate environment that does not provide enough yield for some institutional investors. These clients are keen to invest in illiquid assets, such as private equity and infrastructure.
“What we have seen is a desire for higher returns in what has been a low-return environment specifically in various fixed income or bonds,” he said.
“In this environment, we have seen a de facto increase in the risk that clients are taking in things like illiquid investments, private equity investments, infrastructure and private debt, those kind of investments were higher illiquidity results in incrementally higher returns.”
The Abu Dhabi Investment Authority, one of the largest sovereign wealth funds, said in its 2016 report that has gradually increased its exposure in direct private equity and private credit transactions, mainly in Asian markets and especially in China and India. The authority’s private equity department focused on structured equities owing to “their defensive characteristics.”
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Lamsa
Founder: Badr Ward
Launched: 2014
Employees: 60
Based: Abu Dhabi
Sector: EdTech
Funding to date: $15 million
UAE squad
Ali Kashief, Salem Rashid, Khalifa Al Hammadi, Khalfan Mubarak, Ali Mabkhout, Omar Abdelrahman, Mohammed Al Attas (Al Jazira), Mohmmed Al Shamsi, Hamdan Al Kamali, Mohammad Barghash, Khalil Al Hammadi (Al Wahda), Khalid Eisa, Mohammed Shakir, Ahmed Barman, Bandar Al Ahbabi (Al Ain), Adel Al Hosani, Al Hassan Saleh, Majid Suroor (Sharjah), Waleed Abbas, Ismail Al Hammadi, Ahmed Khalil (Shabab Al Ahli Dubai) Habib Fardan, Tariq Ahmed, Mohammed Al Akbari (Al Nasr), Ali Saleh, Ali Salmeen (Al Wasl), Hassan Al Mahrami (Baniyas)
Captain Marvel
Director: Anna Boden, Ryan Fleck
Starring: Brie Larson, Samuel L Jackson, Jude Law, Ben Mendelsohn
4/5 stars
The%20specs
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If you go
The flights Etihad (www.etihad.com) and Spice Jet (www.spicejet.com) fly direct from Abu Dhabi and Dubai to Pune respectively from Dh1,000 return including taxes. Pune airport is 90 minutes away by road.
The hotels A stay at Atmantan Wellness Resort (www.atmantan.com) costs from Rs24,000 (Dh1,235) per night, including taxes, consultations, meals and a treatment package.
Total eligible population
About 57.5 million people
51.1 million received a jab
6.4 million have not
Where are the unvaccinated?
England 11%
Scotland 9%
Wales 10%
Northern Ireland 14%
Top investing tips for UAE residents in 2021
Build an emergency fund: Make sure you have enough cash to cover six months of expenses as a buffer against unexpected problems before you begin investing, advises Steve Cronin, the founder of DeadSimpleSaving.com.
Think long-term: When you invest, you need to have a long-term mindset, so don’t worry about momentary ups and downs in the stock market.
Invest worldwide: Diversify your investments globally, ideally by way of a global stock index fund.
Is your money tied up: Avoid anything where you cannot get your money back in full within a month at any time without any penalty.
Skip past the promises: “If an investment product is offering more than 10 per cent return per year, it is either extremely risky or a scam,” Mr Cronin says.
Choose plans with low fees: Make sure that any funds you buy do not charge more than 1 per cent in fees, Mr Cronin says. “If you invest by yourself, you can easily stay below this figure.” Managed funds and commissionable investments often come with higher fees.
Be sceptical about recommendations: If someone suggests an investment to you, ask if they stand to gain, advises Mr Cronin. “If they are receiving commission, they are unlikely to recommend an investment that’s best for you.”
Get financially independent: Mr Cronin advises UAE residents to pursue financial independence. Start with a Google search and improve your knowledge via expat investing websites or Facebook groups such as SimplyFI.
Who's who in Yemen conflict
Houthis: Iran-backed rebels who occupy Sanaa and run unrecognised government
Yemeni government: Exiled government in Aden led by eight-member Presidential Leadership Council
Southern Transitional Council: Faction in Yemeni government that seeks autonomy for the south
Habrish 'rebels': Tribal-backed forces feuding with STC over control of oil in government territory
How to protect yourself when air quality drops
Install an air filter in your home.
Close your windows and turn on the AC.
Shower or bath after being outside.
Wear a face mask.
Stay indoors when conditions are particularly poor.
If driving, turn your engine off when stationary.
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