In football they say the table never lies. But in the case of the Premier League, that's simply not true.
Despite a roasting on Sunday that wouldn't have looked out of place on Comedy Central, Tottenham Hotspur are somehow still fifth in the table.
True, they are six points behind fourth-placed Manchester United occupying the last of the Champions League qualifying spots having played two games more. But then, it feels like Tottenham have played two games more than every team all season.
Spurs will barely have time to lick their wounds from the 6-1 shellacking at Newcastle United when they next travel to Old Trafford to face Manchester United. Their deluded ambitions of being top-four contenders was ruthlessly exposed on Sunday by a club who genuinely are and could be ripped to shreds by another on Thursday.
Newcastle were 3-0 up in nine minutes and 5-0 up on 21. Spurs midfielder Pape Sarr was hooked after 23 minutes while his captain Hugo Lloris suffered the same humiliation at half time. His 11 years at the club are now surely at an end. Harry Kane scored a fine individual goal but could barely muster a smile while Newcastle substitute Callum Wilson scored barely a minute after being on the pitch.
Pundits and Twitter had a field day. Sky Sports analyst and former Tottenham defender Danny Rose wondered how he was unemployed after assessing the first-half calamity while one witty Spurs fan enquired if Just Stop Oil activists were in the Newcastle area and if so could they pop along to St James' Park.
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Jacob Murphy celebrates after scoring Newcastle United's opening goal in their 6-1 Premier League win over Tottenham Hotspur at St James' Park on Sunday, Aprl 23, 2023. EPA -
Newcastle striker Alexander Isak makes it 4-0. AFP -
Alexander Isak celebrates scoring Newcastle's fifth goal. AFP -
Alexander Isak scores Newcastle's fifth goal. Getty -
Joelinton celebrates scoring Newcastle's second goal. Reuters -
Joelinton makes it 2-0 to Newcastle. AFP -
Harry Kane after scoring for Tottenham just after half-time. Getty -
Newcastle's Jacob Murphy makes it 1-0. PA -
Jacob Murphy celebrates scoring Newcastle's third goal. AFP -
Subsitute Callum Wilson scores Newcastle's sixth goal. Getty -
Callum Wilson celebrates after scoring for Newcastle. Reuters -
Harry Kane scores for Tottenham. Getty
While now highly improbable, Spurs can still qualify for next season's Champions League via a top-four finish. But whereas Liverpool (seventh) and to a lesser extent Chelsea's (11th) positions in the league table feel false, so too does Tottenham's.
Cristian Stellini feels like a millstone left over from Antonio Conte's acrimonious departure and it may be better, with six games remaining, if Tottenham just decide on a clean break with a new man at the helm, possibly Ryan Mason or someone who can offer a fresh perspective.
One of the Conte's final parting shots was to question his players' professionalism, describing them as "selfish" for throwing away a two-goal lead against bottom club Southampton. As is Conte's way, he also took aim at the club's board, blaming them for Spurs' failure to win a trophy since 2008. But the team's failures are also Conte's, and, though unquestionably an excellent coach, the football played during his final days was as turgid as anything on display on Sunday.
Perhaps more worrying is that the Spurs ship now has too many leaks to stop it sinking completely. At the time of Conte's departure, Tottenham were fourth in the league, two points ahead of Newcastle who had two games in hand. They now trail the Magpies, in third, by six points having played a game more.
Newcastle v Tottenham ratings
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NEWCASTLE RATINGS: Nick Pope 7: Must have looked on from between Newcastle sticks in disbelief at what was going on at other end of pitch in the first half. Was rarely tested and had no chance with Kane’s quality finish for Spurs' consolation goal. AFP -
Kieran Trippier 8: Up against his former club, Newcastle’s captain was his usual driving force down right. Showed the high standards he expects when chastising teammates after Spurs scored early in second half with Magpies leading 5-1. EPA -
Fabian Schar 7: Fine ball over defence to pick out Joelinton for Brazilian's goal and was his challange on Son that provided Murphy was chance to thunder home his second of game. Skinned too easily by Kane ahead of Spurs striker pulling goal back. Limped off in second half which will be worry for Magpies. Reuters -
Sven Botman 8: Ice-cool at the best of times but barely broke sweat at St James’ Park here. Usual well-timed challenges when called upon and helped keep the dangerous duo of Son and Kane relatively quiet. Reuters -
Dan Burn 7: Hardly troubled defensively even up against the threat of Dejan Kulusevski. Saw goal-bound header off Trippier corner blocked by teammate Longstaff just after half-time. Getty -
Sean Longstaff 8: Midfielder did not start last week’s defeat at Villa due to illness and was one of the main engines to this performance. Provided assist for Isak’s second and Newcastle’s fifth. Had shot deflected just wide just before break. Reuters -
Bruno Guimaraes 9: Has been injury concern in last few weeks with ankle problem and was limping around on one leg at times in first-half – but still provided usual link-up play between midfield and attack. Spurs couldn’t cope with his quality, even when clearly not fully fit. AFP -
Joe Willock 8: Stunning ball with outside of boot to set-up Isak for Newcastle’s fourth goal. Showed impressive quick feet on occasions and his surging runs caused Spurs constant problems. Should have made it 6-0 in first half but fired shot over. Getty -
Joelinton 9: His surging run and shot ended up with Murphy scoring early goal. Perfectly timed run, rounding Lloris before calmly finishing to make it 2-0 after five minutes. His improvement since converting into a midfielder is truly staggering. EPA -
Jacob Murphy 9: In right place to fire rebound into top corner and put team in front after a minute. Drove home a thunderous long-range finish to make it 3-0 within 10 minutes which Lloris didn’t even move for. Probably his best game for the club. EPA -
Alexander Isak 9: A first-half brace, both ruthless low finishes – one from an acute angle - giving Lloris little or no chance. Pace caused chaos in Spurs defence and showed willingness to track back when required. Superb performance from Swede. AFP -
SUBS: Miguel Almiron (On for Murphy 66’) 7: His deflected pass set up Wilson as substitutes combined for sixth goal. Getty -
Callum Wilson (On for Isak 66’) 7: Scored for fourth game in row against Spurs after being on pitch 65 seconds. Getty -
Anthony Gordon (On for Guimaraes 70’) 7: Denied first Newcastle goal when shot was blocked by Forster’s outstretched leg. Reuters -
Javier Manquillo (On for Trippier 70’) 7: Rare appearance for Spanish full-back who slotted in comfortably with the match long since won. PA -
Jamaal Lascelles (On for Schar 73’) 7: Club captain has barely played this season such has been Newcastle’s quality in defence. Not tested here with score at 6-1 and Spurs shellshocked. Reuters -
SPURS RATINGS: Hugo Lloris 3: Saved well from Joelinton only for Murphy to score rebound for first. Rounded by Joelinton for second, didn’t even try to stop Murphy’s shot for the third. No chance with four or five. Captain then came off injured at half-time. EPA -
Pedro Porro 3: Started at right-back and struggled from first whistle. Allowed Joelinton time and space to drift inside and shoot ahead of opening goal. Could not cope with pace and power of Newcastle. Reuters -
Cristian Romero 2: Another at fault for first goal by failing to challenge Joelinton’s run on goal and helpless as hosts ran riot and cut through defence at will in opening half. Should have been booked for reckless foul on Willock on edge of box in first half. Picked up obligatory yellow in second. AFP -
Eric Dier 3: Poor ball out to Son put attacker under pressure that would lead to second goal and couldn’t handle Isak’s pace. Experienced international defender who couldn’t prevent Spurs’ defensive horror show. Getty -
Ivan Perisic 3: Played on left of back four at start but caught napping as Murphy put Magpies in front after a minute. Awful defensively and is not a left-back. Shot chance over bar just after half-time. Getty -
Pape Sarr 2: Started as part of midfield three but overwhelmed by Newcastle’s flying start and hooked before 25-minute mark. Nightmare afternoon for 20-year-old. PA -
Oliver Skipp 4: Good run and cut back to set up chance for Kane in first half only for England captain to miss target. Booked for poor tackle on Guimaraes and failed to stop Brazilian dominating centre of park. Reuters -
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg 3: Chasing shadows and was nowhere near catching them in first-half horror show from Spurs. Improvement after break but it would have been hard to be worse. -
Dejan Kulusevski 4: Curled shot over bar in 26th minute … but team were already 5-0 down by this point. Booked moments later for nasty high challenge on Willock. Getty -
Harry Kane 6: Should have pulled score back to 3-1 in first half but fired chance wide. Had another half-chance that he could only weakly pass straight to Pope under pressure. Excellent run and left-footed finish to pull one back straight after break. Results like this will only increase summer transfer talk. Getty -
Son Heung-min 3: Anonymous afternoon from South Korean who struggled to make any impact against Newcastle’s well-drilled defence. Had one shot in second half blocked by Botman. EPA -
SUBS: Davinson Sanchez (On for Sarr 23’) 6: Booed off pitch by own fans last week, booed on this this week but with team five down and in disarray. Did OK but damage had already been done. Reuters -
Fraser Forster (On for Lloris 46’) 6: Unexpected introduction at half-time with team five down. One good stop from Gordon and can at least say only one more was added to scoreline after his appearance. Reuters -
Arnaut Danjuma (On for Kulusevski 72’) 5: January loan signing drilled one shot straight at Pope. Getty -
Richarlison (On for Son 83’) N/A. AFP
Julian Nagelsmann is said to be first-choice but any new coach will want cast-iron assurances from the Tottenham board that Kane will not be sold. Beyond him, only Son Heung-min, Pierre-Emile Hjojberg and, if he can replicate his form for Argentina in Spurs colours, Cristian Romero offer a silver lining that the North London club can genuinely move forward next season.
A succession of wing backs have been tried and failed miserably, with Pedro Porro in particular struggling since his January move. The Spaniard's impressive performances for Sporting against Spurs in the Champions League prompted the English club to sign him. But he's looked more pea-shooter than hired gun, while age looks to have caught up with Ivan Perisic. Ryan Sessegnon does just not look cut out for the Premier League.
Fans vented their frustration at Davinson Sanchez during the 3-2 defeat at Bournemouth, booing the Colombia defender as he was subbed on and off in the same game. Those scenes are no good to anyone, least of all the player, but the animosity towards one individual was a indicative of the toxicity permeating the club but has been brewing all season.
The £60 million to buy Richarlison from Everton last summer could have been better spent, and while plenty of heads could roll this summer, Spurs also have the added headache of unwanted loan players returning. Tanguy Ndombele has been a passenger as Napoli cruise to the Serie A title while Villarreal have given few indications they will make Giovani Lo Celso's move permanent. Bryan Gil's move has not worked out and a return to Spain would suit both parties.
Spurs have six games left to salvage a season that promised so much but has delivered so little. At this rate, even qualifying for the Europa League is by no means guaranteed.
