Bayern Munich have their own special flavour of holiday turkey

It is perfectly possible to infuse your Christmas dinner with the unique flavour of your club even without an eight-Euro blend of spices.

Mario Goetze, left, David Alaba and Jerome Boateng have given Bayern Munich fans plenty to cheer about this holiday season. Christof Stache / AFP

Football fans who find the success of Bayern Munich hard to swallow would be well advised to avoid visiting any German friends for Christmas luncheon this year.

Or perhaps we should say “Christmas Munchen”.

Because the European Champions have released their own official meat flavouring, enabling the Bayern faithful to infuse their festive turkey with the taste of Die Roten.

Well, of course they have. What meal could not be improved by summoning the essence of 11 blokes who have just run around for 90 minutes?

Thankfully, all is not lost for fans of other teams. Indeed, as I shall now demonstrate, it is perfectly possible to infuse your Christmas dinner with the unique flavour of your club even without an €8 (Dh40) blend of spices.

Chelsea.

Insert expensive turkey into hot oven. After 10 minutes, remove turkey and fly into a rage that it is not ready to eat. Bin turkey and insert expensive goose into hot oven. After 10 minutes, remove goose and fly into a rage that it is not ready to eat. Bin goose and insert expensive joint of beef into hot oven, etc, etc.

Arsenal.

Refuse to be rushed into buying a turkey, despite having plenty of money and a very hungry family. Instead focus on making the best lunch possible from whatever is in the cupboard, and any vegetables you can find in the reduced-to-clear section.

Tottenham Hotspur.

Spend years rearing the most wonderful turkey imaginable in your own back garden. Then, just before Christmas, sell it for a huge profit to blow on a job load of turkey burgers and oven chips.

Liverpool.

Spend several months promising your family that this year’s turkey will be as tasty as the ones you used to cook in the 1980s. Then forget to turn the oven on, and serve cheese on toast instead.

Everton.

Don’t cook anything. Just spend the day laughing at Liverpool fans for forgetting to turn the oven on, and reminding them that YOU could have cooked a perfect turkey in the 1980s, if THEY had not ruined it by stopping you getting to the Continental butchers.

Manchester United.

Tell your family that, after 25 years of perfect service, mother has decided she is too old to cook. Instead you have asked the paper boy to give it a go – and you are certain he will do a fantastic job. Once he works out how to switch the oven on. And where to buy the food.

Manchester City.

Buy the most expensive turkey going and cook it, being very careful to get the timings right. Maths can be tricky! Then take it outside and spend the rest of Christmas day wafting the smell over the neighbour’s fence.

Hull City.

Turkey? How old-fashioned is that? In order for Christmas dinner to be a viable proposition going forward, it is time to cook a menu with more universal appeal. Now, who fancies another tiger dumpling?

Newcastle United.

Cook the biggest and best turkey the world has ever seen, just like you do every year! (Actually, it is just a small chicken, but if you happy to believe it is the world’s greatest turkey then that is the main thing.)

Stoke City.

Cook turkey for eight hours longer than necessary. Yes it will be dry and joyless but at least your visitors will struggle to break it down.

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