In an era when more and more women have greater power over their own destiny, there are still some powerful battles being fought. These are often societal ones, in which social pressure dictates how one should live one’s life.
A campaign launched in China by the skincare brand SK-II features videos of women who are courageously trying to #changedestiny by standing up against the pressure of being labelled as "leftover woman".
When you aren’t married by your late twenties, that is the label you get and have to live with. You watch, as parents post their daughters’ and sons’ profiles at the “marriage market” at the People’s Park in Shanghai. “Before it was easy, you get matched and then you get married,” said one couple in the video.
With 1.6 million views since it was posted on April 6, it has struck a chord with women all over the world. The terms applied to Arab women who haven’t found “the one” by the time they reach 30 vary from “expired” and “aanes” (spinster) to a simple dismissal with the term she is “khalas” (finished or done with).
Sure it has changed a lot, and mostly thanks to powerful independent successful Arab women who lead campaigns to remind younger women that they shouldn’t just settle to make others happy.
It is not the end of the world being an unmarried woman. Yet it is often those closest to a single woman, such as her family, who like to constantly remind her that she hasn’t tied the knot. Even the way they talk about her to others sounds as if they are making excuses for her “failure” in love.
“Oh you know, she was working so hard she forgot to take care of herself and attract anyone,” or “haram” (poor thing) she has been unlucky, or is “Mahsouda” hit by the evil eye or envy or black magic, and other excuses some parents make for their unwed daughters.
Recently, someone told me how her friends tried to set her up with a man in his late fifties after he had lost his wife, and how, given she is 35, she shouldn’t be “picky” and accept this proposal.
She was told that he “could still” probably give her a child, and well, he is not badly off, and she will have a home and the “dignity” of being a settled married woman.
“Sitt Bayt”, the lady of the house, is the new label she will get, instead of the many condescending ones she is saddled with now. It is easy to say, oh don’t listen to them, listen to your heart, don’t let silliness like labels bother you, or who cares, just live life – but the reality is that these things actually do affect one’s life even if one tries to ignore them.
It can manifest itself in the way one is treated at social gatherings and family get-togethers and even in the workplace: it will come as no surprise that studies have shown that women (in general) work longer hours, especially childless single women.
Sometimes it is their choice, but sometimes it isn’t. Pressure from society, from family as well as from religion in some cases is what many women have to live with and sometimes perhaps make wrong decisions for themselves because of it.
Somehow the “me”gets lost in all of this, and years later, some women regret it or feel like they have missed out on their dreams or on finding “real” love. However, things are not black or white and perception and expectations play a huge role.
In the end, you have to remain true to yourself and what you need and want, as that often makes you a better partner anyway rather than someone who got married for the sake of just getting married and not remaining a “leftover” woman.
rghazal@thenational.ae
On Twitter: @arabianmau