Priya Pinto, an Indian mother, has written Ma, Will Life Ever Be The Same Again?, which is filled with illustrations and heart-rending memories to help other families understand how to cope with the emptiness in the days that follow a funeral.
Her husband Schuyler Pinto, a chemical engineer, was just 39 years old when he died of a heart attack on a football field in Dubai 10 years ago. She found little support online to help the family handle the drastic changes ahead.
“I looked for anything to guide me through this process. There was nothing out there by someone who has suffered this loss and says: this is what my children went through and this is what we learnt,” Ms Pinto told The National.
“There are stories that tell you how to talk to your children about the loss but nothing about continuing with your life. I thought if I can share these big life lessons we learnt and it helps someone – if this book makes your journey in that dark tunnel shorter – then that is a good thing.”
Why does everything have to change?
The 126-page book draws from Ms Pinto's experiences after she broke the news to her children, then aged nine and seven, that their father had died. The chapters act like a guide to encouraging children to express grief, deal with moving to a smaller home and new schools as a family’s financial circumstances change.
As a widow at just 38, Ms Pinto moved from writing television drama scripts to working full-time for a start-up in Dubai to ensure the family continued to live in the UAE.
She also started a support network, Widow Warriors, where bereaved wives in the UAE and India can ask for advice on job applications, financial plans and how to handle emotional meltdowns.
“The book addresses major phases that our families go through,” she said. “Apart from dealing with the death of my childhood sweetheart, overnight I had to change from being a stay-at-home mum who did writing projects to get into a full-time job to support my children.”
Helping children channel their emotions
The initial intent of the book was to help single-parent families who suffered the loss of a parent. But education experts she shared a draft of the book with also saw it as a handbook to help teachers deal with children who have lost a loved one.
educational clinical psychologist at Our Own Indian School, Dubai
School counsellors spotted a universal thread that could connect people dealing with grief anywhere in the world.
In six chapters, it addresses questions children have but may not voice, such as: why does everything have to change, what will make the pain go away, will birthdays be fun again?
Gowri Agarwal, educational clinical psychologist at Gems Our Own Indian School, Dubai said the book would be a valuable aid in schools as it shows a journey from grief to resilience.
“I do look at giving this book to all my parents and children who have gone through loss as this will help them channel their emotions to ultimately come up, talk and express what they are feeling,” Ms Agarwal said. “This book is very relatable. It’s almost like a guide, a friend, like someone is telling my story or talking about how I’m feeling.
“Therapy even today is a bit of a taboo in a lot of people’s mind. When I counsel children of various ages, I find they internalise a lot and find it difficult to express what they are going through.
“Priya’s book makes someone feel like, ‘I’m there for you and I have experienced what you are experiencing'. There is a guided emotion which is comes out very beautifully.”
She said it would help children and parents open up about their own lives. “As a therapist if I’m meeting a parent going through grief I would love to give them this book because it will make them feel they are not alone,” Ms Agarwal said.
“It’s like a friend who says, ‘Yes, a loss happened but there is light at the end of the road. There is a resilience to deal with situations not just for yourself, but for your children, your family, your work. There is hope.'”
The book includes projects, activities to encourage creating new traditions around birthdays and anniversaries that can be particularly painful.
“The book unpacks the uncomfortable emotions that coexist with grief,” said Asha Karam, head of inclusion, secondary school, Dubai International Academy, Emirates Hills. “It may support counsellors and other professionals to adapt a storytelling approach that may support children with their personal loss.”
“It provides consistent prompts to moments of grief as the years pass, and how a family may navigate through this to grow more positive and stronger.”
'Tired of being the kid with the dead dad'
The book mirrors incidents from Ms Pinto’s life with heartfelt examples that will resonate with anyone who has suffered loss.
Using three characters, a mother and two children, she tells of her daughter’s fear that she was forgetting her father’s voice.
Colourful illustrations depict snapshots of the Pinto household when the family decide to host a football tournament in their father’s memory and create a treasured art work using his favourite music CDs.
Ms Pinto explains how filling the house with large photographs of the deceased may not be healthy as the children “were tired being the kid with the dead dad”.
“You can be doing so well and then festivals, birthdays and anniversaries come up and you are down in the valley again,” she said. “So create new traditions, beautiful ways to remember the person better.
“We had a tradition of decorating the tree together and my husband would put the star on top of the Christmas tree. The next Christmas, I asked my son to pick up my daughter to put the star on. Now we have 10 years of beautiful pictures of this new tradition as the children grew older.
“There are times you feel almost guilty for feeling happy and the most important lesson we learnt is giving ourselves permission to move on.”
Based on personal experience
Charu Nawaz has known Ms Pinto since joining the widows’ network after her husband died three years ago. The book taught her that it was OK to cry and be vulnerable in front of her children as it would help them release their emotions.
Her daughter identified with an image in the book where a child mentions how sad she feels when they see a father at school throwing his child up in the air.
“I used to Google stuff and watch YouTube videos on handling grief but the more I researched, the more paranoid I got about how my children would grow up without their father,” she said. “This story is a living example of survival as it’s based on personal experience of living through trauma.
“Anybody can tell you, ‘I know how it feels.’ They mean well and give you advice but they can never know exactly what I’m feeling. This book answers the many hows, whys and whats.”
Priya Pinto will be reading from her book at Magrudy’s Jumeirah, Dubai on September 28 from 11am onwards.
