As a 'geriatric' mother, here's what my traumatic delivery taught me

Over the years, there’s been a trend that has raised some concern – women choosing to put off having children until their late 30s. As my husband and I chose to move to the UAE in 2019, starting our new lives at this time, the decision to have a baby was further delayed, meaning I inevitably joined those increasing numbers. That is how I came to be a geriatric mother . Even at 40, I loved being pregnant. The morning sickness disappeared after two months and I experienced the glow people talk of. Also I slept so well – a full eight hours a night and took hour-long naps after work. I even strangely had energy, being able to go out almost as normal on weekends. However, once I had my son, I soon realised motherhood was different than I imagined. I’m not going to share anything you haven’t heard before a million times from exhausted parents, but motherhood is hard. Here are some lessons I wish I had known ahead of time. In the lead up to the birth, I was preparing myself as I knew it was going to be the most pain I’d ever experience – but no amount of preparation would have helped in my circumstances. Too many television shows and films misrepresent what a woman goes through in childbirth, often making it seem like an amazing and smooth process. But mine was the opposite. I had to have an induction. This meant my contractions came on rapidly and were every two minutes for six hours. I found myself passing out from exhaustion in between and coming to, horrified that only two minutes had passed. I later had to have two blood transfusions and a surprise surgery two weeks later that left me anaemic and suffering palpitations. The first 12 weeks after the birth are referred to as the fourth trimester. For me this was the toughest of the trimesters as the hormones played absolute havoc with me and I was still living with the trauma of what I had experienced, all the while having to learn how to be a mum. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and anxious. But there’s so much about how this time is special and for you to bond with your baby so I felt guilty that I couldn’t stop crying and would not stop worrying about how every action would affect my son. I wasn’t sure when I was to return to work (given the circumstances, I was able to extend my leave) so I became obsessed with trying to get him into a routine so he would adapt well when I returned to work. In talking to a lot of mums I now know it is near impossible to get a newborn into a routine. I’ve since met mums enjoying the time with their newborns and I wish I had given myself more of a break to adjust. I went to the antenatal classes and I paid close attention to the section about postpartum depression (PPD) as it was something that concerned me. But I was so prepared for motherhood to be hard and I felt like I just needed to get on with it, that I didn’t realise I was developing postpartum anxiety. What is frustrating is that I had read stories about women discovering they had PPD and thought how I wouldn’t let that happen to me... and yet I had. It’s hard to realise, because in talking to other new mums you are taught how hard it is to handle, so you don’t consider that your experiences are different. Finally, after a week of intrusive thoughts keeping me awake and waking up to horrific nightmares when asleep, my husband pointed out this didn’t sound normal. I spoke to a friend who had told me about her post partum anxiety diagnosis and it confirmed I needed to seek professional help. - Avoid social media: All the videos I clicked on changed my algorithm to target me with videos invariably telling me all the things I was doing wrong - Relax: It’s easier said than done, but I wish I had given myself a break - Seek medical help: In talking to other mothers, I realised what I was experiencing wasn’t normal and booked myself in to see a psychiatrist - Take the Edinburgh Test: Through this test, I finally came to terms that what I was experiencing was PPD - Buy noise-cancelling headphones: For the days that my son was inconsolable and nothing I did worked, these helped save my sanity slightly