Women have been pouring themselves into corsets, girdles and, more recently, magic pants for an eternity. Men on the other hand, apart from superheroes of course, seem to have got away with just looking like an apple on a gatepost. Until now, that is.
Last week the UK high-street chain Marks & Spencer announced the launch of their new hi-tech underwear for men. It promises to suck in the paunch, create false muscle definition and tighten the buttocks. Eureka! Dubbed the "mirdle" (man girdle), this miraculous contraption is made from a compression fabric similar to a wetsuit that creates what looks, from the outside at least, like a six-pack. Priceless.
Spanx, the original women's line of body shapers, was the brainchild of the American entrepreneur Sara Blakely. She cut off the bottom half of her tights one morning because she couldn't find the right underwear to wear under her cream trousers, and decided she was onto a winner.
The "mirdle" is designed to give men a leaner silhouette under a slim suit, and even claims to correct posture. And the business of control underwear is not a laughing matter - last year global sales reached £250 million (Dh1.48 billion).
For the seriously dedicated, there are bodysuits and high-waisted shorts in three strengths: medium, super and super duper. The motto: changing the world one butt at a time.
This is all very well, but the problem is, men don't do uncomfortable. And talking from experience here, these miracle garments are seriously uncomfortable. Think of it much like wearing cling film on a hot day, or spending an afternoon in a compression tank. They say they should fit like a second skin. But what they don't mention is that they barely fit over the first skin. Pockets of flesh ooze out from places such as your love handles, while wrinkles of tough fabric prod at your hipbone like a cactus. Breathing becomes rapid and short and when sitting down. You flirt with asphyxiation.
Am I cool with the modern man wearing control pants? As a friend said, quite rightly, you can't really not be when we wear them all the time. But that is exactly the point: we wear them.
Let us be neurotic, delusional and pathetic, but at least leave us that.
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Kumulus Water
Started: 2021
Founders: Iheb Triki and Mohamed Ali Abid
Based: Tunisia
Sector: Water technology
Number of staff: 22
Investment raised: $4 million
The specs
Engine: 2.0-litre 4cyl turbo
Power: 261hp at 5,500rpm
Torque: 405Nm at 1,750-3,500rpm
Transmission: 9-speed auto
Fuel consumption: 6.9L/100km
On sale: Now
Price: From Dh117,059
How tumultuous protests grew
- A fuel tax protest by French drivers appealed to wider anti-government sentiment
- Unlike previous French demonstrations there was no trade union or organised movement involved
- Demonstrators responded to online petitions and flooded squares to block traffic
- At its height there were almost 300,000 on the streets in support
- Named after the high visibility jackets that drivers must keep in cars
- Clashes soon turned violent as thousands fought with police at cordons
- An estimated two dozen people lost eyes and many others were admitted to hospital
Gifts exchanged
- King Charles - replica of President Eisenhower Sword
- Queen Camilla - Tiffany & Co vintage 18-carat gold, diamond and ruby flower brooch
- Donald Trump - hand-bound leather book with Declaration of Independence
- Melania Trump - personalised Anya Hindmarch handbag
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Living in...
This article is part of a guide on where to live in the UAE. Our reporters will profile some of the country’s most desirable districts, provide an estimate of rental prices and introduce you to some of the residents who call each area home.
Desert Warrior
Starring: Anthony Mackie, Aiysha Hart, Ben Kingsley
Director: Rupert Wyatt
Rating: 3/5
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
Our legal advisor
Ahmad El Sayed is Senior Associate at Charles Russell Speechlys, a law firm headquartered in London with offices in the UK, Europe, the Middle East and Hong Kong.
Experience: Commercial litigator who has assisted clients with overseas judgments before UAE courts. His specialties are cases related to banking, real estate, shareholder disputes, company liquidations and criminal matters as well as employment related litigation.
Education: Sagesse University, Beirut, Lebanon, in 2005.
A cheaper choice
Vanuatu: $130,000
Why on earth pick Vanuatu? Easy. The South Pacific country has no income tax, wealth tax, capital gains or inheritance tax. And in 2015, when it was hit by Cyclone Pam, it signed an agreement with the EU that gave it some serious passport power.
Cost: A minimum investment of $130,000 for a family of up to four, plus $25,000 in fees.
Criteria: Applicants must have a minimum net worth of $250,000. The process take six to eight weeks, after which the investor must travel to Vanuatu or Hong Kong to take the oath of allegiance. Citizenship and passport are normally provided on the same day.
Benefits: No tax, no restrictions on dual citizenship, no requirement to visit or reside to retain a passport. Visa-free access to 129 countries.
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Remaining fixtures
Third-place-play-off: Portugal v Mexico, 4pm on Sunday
Final: Chile v Germany, 10pm on Sunday
Specs
Engine: Dual-motor all-wheel-drive electric
Range: Up to 610km
Power: 905hp
Torque: 985Nm
Price: From Dh439,000
Available: Now
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The specs: 2019 Infiniti QX50
Price, base: Dh138,000 (estimate)
Engine: 2.0L, turbocharged, in-line four-cylinder
Transmission: Continuously variable transmission
Power: 268hp @ 5,600rpm
Torque: 380Nm @ 4,400rpm
Fuel economy: 6.7L / 100km (estimate)
Avatar: Fire and Ash
Director: James Cameron
Starring: Sam Worthington, Sigourney Weaver, Zoe Saldana
Rating: 4.5/5
The President's Cake
Director: Hasan Hadi
Starring: Baneen Ahmad Nayyef, Waheed Thabet Khreibat, Sajad Mohamad Qasem
Rating: 4/5