Other people's dreams are boring. Intrinsically so. Catastrophically so. Few people care about the time you met Father Christmas on the moon and his head turned into a spaceship. We weren't there - remember?
The same goes for fashion. Let's face it, most of you find fashion about as intelligent as jumping off a ferry. Banal, unchallenging, moronic. La-la-la - I get it all the time.
And then comes swimwear - tra-la-la-la! Everyone cares about swimwear. Why? Because you are pretty much naked - and nine times out of 10 in front of many more people than usual. (Mum doesn't count.) How do I know? Look around. Crowds of us are plastered to our towels close to the water's edge in order to avoid the shameful 200-metre walk. We may as well call it a day, stick some clothes on, jump in, frolic about a bit and be done with it. But, unfortunately, that wouldn't work. Far too simple a hypothesis for fashion. Far too much fun.
Instead the inevitable happens and we find ourselves flailing around like some Bridget Jones-type character -worried we are a bit plump or too mumsy, too long, too short or too pale, questioning why the Gucci cut-out swimsuit we spent a month's wages on makes us look like some poor sod who's been abducted by crazed, hungry mountain people.
Extreme swimwear - that's where we have run into problems in the past few seasons. Think the high-cut Eighties revival; the minimalist, daringly teeny bikini; or the weird-on-anyone-over-four cutsie polka-dot number.
My advice: don't test out revolutionary. Swimwear should never be a mutiny. There are plenty of other ways to be brave.
I know it's agony, but try on as many items as you can bear; do your research and be strategic. The most common mistake people make is confusing a flattering garment with one that covers you up as much as possible. Fit the bust first. If you're big-busted, you will need a wide strap or a halter neck. If you are small, go for a bandeau top, which broadens the chest; or if you need a more supportive top, simply experiment with ruffles or a bold pattern.
Avoid marketing ploys such as the tankini (a swimsuit that essentially has been cut in half to make you feel like you are young enough to pull on a bikini without having to expose any skin). Same goes for the built-in skirt. Instead of the faint promise of camouflage, these simply draw attention to your "bad spot" with a flashing neon sign. Think about trying the one-piece, no longer the sole preserve of the Floridian retiree. Think more Fifties French Riviera, less Sports Illustrated. Groundbreaking? No. Exactly my point.
M-ometer
This week's highs and lows
PAMELA LOVE The jewellery designer's creations for Topshop have arrived.
THE NEW GOOP? Heidi Klum's new blog reminds us ever so much of Gwyneth Paltrow's. She doesn't stand a chance!
KANE CABS Christopher Kane designed London taxi wraps inspired by his "Galaxy" print.
WILD WEST We're not buying into Rodarte's new prairie look.
BIG DREAMS The 17-year-old model-of-the-moment Lindsey Wixson wants to add "singer" to her already accomplished portfolio.
The National photo project
Chris Whiteoak, a photographer at The National, spent months taking some of Jacqui Allan's props around the UAE, positioning them perfectly in front of some of the country's most recognisable landmarks. He placed a pirate on Kite Beach, in front of the Burj Al Arab, the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland at the Burj Khalifa, and brought one of Allan's snails (Freddie, which represents her grandfather) to the Dubai Frame. In Abu Dhabi, a dinosaur went to Al Ain's Jebel Hafeet. And a flamingo was taken all the way to the Hatta Mountains. This special project suitably brings to life the quirky nature of Allan's prop shop (and Allan herself!).
Gender pay parity on track in the UAE
The UAE has a good record on gender pay parity, according to Mercer's Total Remuneration Study.
"In some of the lower levels of jobs women tend to be paid more than men, primarily because men are employed in blue collar jobs and women tend to be employed in white collar jobs which pay better," said Ted Raffoul, career products leader, Mena at Mercer. "I am yet to see a company in the UAE – particularly when you are looking at a blue chip multinationals or some of the bigger local companies – that actively discriminates when it comes to gender on pay."
Mr Raffoul said most gender issues are actually due to the cultural class, as the population is dominated by Asian and Arab cultures where men are generally expected to work and earn whereas women are meant to start a family.
"For that reason, we see a different gender gap. There are less women in senior roles because women tend to focus less on this but that’s not due to any companies having a policy penalising women for any reasons – it’s a cultural thing," he said.
As a result, Mr Raffoul said many companies in the UAE are coming up with benefit package programmes to help working mothers and the career development of women in general.
Cases of coronavirus in the GCC as of March 15
Saudi Arabia – 103 infected, 0 dead, 1 recovered
UAE – 86 infected, 0 dead, 23 recovered
Bahrain – 210 infected, 0 dead, 44 recovered
Kuwait – 104 infected, 0 dead, 5 recovered
Qatar – 337 infected, 0 dead, 4 recovered
Oman – 19 infected, 0 dead, 9 recovered
Day 3 stumps
New Zealand 153 & 249
Pakistan 227 & 37-0 (target 176)
Pakistan require another 139 runs with 10 wickets remaining
The five pillars of Islam
1. Fasting
2. Prayer
3. Hajj
4. Shahada
5. Zakat
Country-size land deals
US interest in purchasing territory is not as outlandish as it sounds. Here's a look at some big land transactions between nations:
Louisiana Purchase
If Donald Trump is one who aims to broker "a deal of the century", then this was the "deal of the 19th Century". In 1803, the US nearly doubled in size when it bought 2,140,000 square kilometres from France for $15 million.
Florida Purchase Treaty
The US courted Spain for Florida for years. Spain eventually realised its burden in holding on to the territory and in 1819 effectively ceded it to America in a wider border treaty.
Alaska purchase
America's spending spree continued in 1867 when it acquired 1,518,800 km2 of Alaskan land from Russia for $7.2m. Critics panned the government for buying "useless land".
The Philippines
At the end of the Spanish-American War, a provision in the 1898 Treaty of Paris saw Spain surrender the Philippines for a payment of $20 million.
US Virgin Islands
It's not like a US president has never reached a deal with Denmark before. In 1917 the US purchased the Danish West Indies for $25m and renamed them the US Virgin Islands.
Gwadar
The most recent sovereign land purchase was in 1958 when Pakistan bought the southwestern port of Gwadar from Oman for 5.5bn Pakistan rupees.
MOUNTAINHEAD REVIEW
Starring: Ramy Youssef, Steve Carell, Jason Schwartzman
Director: Jesse Armstrong
Rating: 3.5/5
The more serious side of specialty coffee
While the taste of beans and freshness of roast is paramount to the specialty coffee scene, so is sustainability and workers’ rights.
The bulk of genuine specialty coffee companies aim to improve on these elements in every stage of production via direct relationships with farmers. For instance, Mokha 1450 on Al Wasl Road strives to work predominantly with women-owned and -operated coffee organisations, including female farmers in the Sabree mountains of Yemen.
Because, as the boutique’s owner, Garfield Kerr, points out: “women represent over 90 per cent of the coffee value chain, but are woefully underrepresented in less than 10 per cent of ownership and management throughout the global coffee industry.”
One of the UAE’s largest suppliers of green (meaning not-yet-roasted) beans, Raw Coffee, is a founding member of the Partnership of Gender Equity, which aims to empower female coffee farmers and harvesters.
Also, globally, many companies have found the perfect way to recycle old coffee grounds: they create the perfect fertile soil in which to grow mushrooms.
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UK’s AI plan
- AI ambassadors such as MIT economist Simon Johnson, Monzo cofounder Tom Blomfield and Google DeepMind’s Raia Hadsell
- £10bn AI growth zone in South Wales to create 5,000 jobs
- £100m of government support for startups building AI hardware products
- £250m to train new AI models
More from Neighbourhood Watch:
Managing the separation process
- Choose your nursery carefully in the first place
- Relax – and hopefully your child will follow suit
- Inform the staff in advance of your child’s likes and dislikes.
- If you need some extra time to talk to the teachers, make an appointment a few days in advance, rather than attempting to chat on your child’s first day
- The longer you stay, the more upset your child will become. As difficult as it is, walk away. Say a proper goodbye and reassure your child that you will be back
- Be patient. Your child might love it one day and hate it the next
- Stick at it. Don’t give up after the first day or week. It takes time for children to settle into a new routine.And, finally, don’t feel guilty.
