Projecting Valentine’s Day resolutions onto Baby A

What better way to show us that Baby A loves us than by exhibiting to us that she is willing to embrace change? This is what she has promised me and her father.

I asked Baby A to reflect on her behaviour so far, seeing as she’s embracing toddlerhood (and its horrors) so enthusiastically. We’ve agreed that as a Valentine’s present to her flustered mother and overwhelmed father, she’ll come up with a few modifications that will dramatically improve her life (not to mention ours). What better way to show us she loves us than by exhibiting to us that she is willing to embrace change?

This is what Baby A has promised me and her father:

1 I will stop launching myself into the throes of a nervous breakdown every time I see Daddy touch anything of Mama’s, or if Mama – God forbid – dares to pick up Daddy’s phone or put away his shoes. I will try to accept that I am not a police officer in charge of looking after other people’s belongings.

2 I will stop asking to watch videos of myself on Mama’s phone, as such narcissism does not bode well for the future. Instead, I will promise to give some of my toys a chance instead, as I have been assured that they are quite fun, decent modes of entertainment.

3 I will accept the inevitability of mealtimes.

4 I will accept the inevitability of bedtime.

5 I will accept the inevitability of nap time (I am told it is a privilege that both Mama and Daddy would kill for).

6 I will expand my palette beyond pretzel sticks, cucumbers and fruit yogurt. This will become useful in restaurant settings, which happen to be a favourite locale of my Mama and Daddy.

7 I will refrain from screaming bloody murder every time Daddy says bath time is over. I will repeat to myself: “I am not a fish. I am not a fish.”

8 I will acknowledge that tossing my Hippo out of my bed, my stroller or my arms, and then sobbing and wailing because I am no longer nestling said Hippo, is truly silly behaviour that benefits no one.

9 As much as I love, adore and worship my Daddy, I will try to make my preference for him a little less obvious so Mama can stop muttering to herself.

10 I will resist the urge to help put away the laundry. And empty the dishwasher. And sweep the floor. And dust the shelves. And vacuum the rugs. Although I will continue negotiating to receive my own, miniature-sized broom, because – oh my – I love that thing so much.

11 I will attempt to say the word “yes” with as much conviction and regularity as I say my favourite word, “no”.

12 I will try to achieve a state of peaceful coexistence with my barrettes, headbands and accessories, because that will make my Mama happy and will mean less hair loss, which is a side effect of ripping them off my head.

13 I will stop running off to hide every time I need a nappy change, and when I am finally found, I will stop arching my back and locking my legs in an attempt to dissuade Mama or Daddy from getting me clean, because in the end, personal hygiene is to my benefit.

14 I will conduct myself in a dignified manner when in a toy store and refrain from reverting to full-on tantrum mode when Mama refuses to buy me every single thing.

15 I get it. Mama is never going to give me a sip of that dark, hot liquid she likes to drink from a mug in the morning. I’ll just ask Daddy instead. He’s a pushover.

Hala Khalaf is a freelance writer living in Abu Dhabi