Married Life: don’t have kids if you enjoy sleep, like the cinema and want to preserve ability to recall things

The reasons not to have a child are endless. You have been warned.

Often, I am asked by my recently wed friends how I knew I was ready to have a baby. I can understand their need to ask. It would be nice if such a life-changing decision could be made for you, or even better, made according to a set of rules in a convenient manual to life.

But it doesn’t work that way. For Mr T and I, the decision to approach parenthood was made despite our awareness that we’d never feel completely ready to take the plunge. We knew the more we waited and the more we chose to keep our marriage about just the two of us, the harder it would be to welcome a third into the fold. People become creatures of habit and we feared we’d resent the intrusion of a baby and the consequent adjustment to the familiar nuances of our lives together.

However, the worry that the longer you wait, the harder it will be to adjust, is not a legitimate enough reason to go ahead and have a baby. So Mr T and I picked another reason to go with it: we were no longer opposed to the idea of being responsible for another human being. Also, I had a secret reason of my own: I wanted free reign to decorate an enchanting room for a tiny baby.

So, how will you know if you’re ready to have a baby? I have no idea – your reasons and circumstances will be unique to you. And while it feels like the most natural thing in the world to me that I’m a parent now and that Baby A is in my life – while it feels this is exactly how it should be – that doesn’t mean that I don’t understand the opposing perspective of choosing to remain child-free.

In fact, I understand it so much better now than ever before. The reasons not to have a child are endless. For example, you should not have children if you:

– enjoy sleep.

– prefer to spend your money on yourself alone.

– are inclined to prefer long, leisurely showers.

– tend to use the bathroom alone, with the door closed.

– choose to wear silk shirts that remain stain free.

– want to drink hot coffee.

– own furniture with sharp corners.

– thrive to exercise spontaneity in your life.

– like to go out for late dinners and try the new fine dining restaurant in town.

– like to go to the cinema.

– like to go out dancing.

– like to wear high heels.

– think that reading a newspaper on the day it came out is the rule.

– want to preserve your ability to recall things.

– hate dark (and permanent) circles under your eyes.

– prefer not to deal with another person’s bodily fluids.

– tend to sit down to eat your meals at a table, with proper cutlery.

– are fond of your waist (this for both mums and dads).

– think the Itsy Bitsy Spider song is stupid.

– have qualms about eating food that was on the floor (or in someone else’s mouth).

This is but a fraction of a list that never ends. You have been warned.

Hala Khalaf is a freelance journalist based in Abu Dhabi