If there's one thing that unites the various facets of life across the UAE, aside from uncontrollable sweat, pummelling air conditioning and the occasional need to shake one's fists in the air, it's the feedback form. From the dustiest crevice of Ras Al Khaimah to the goldest, most seven-starrest pinnacle of exuberance in Dubai, there appears to be no escape from the little card politely requesting that you "please rate our performance".
Restaurants are - predictably - the worst when it comes to this irritating need for constant post-match analysis. Rarely does a bill arrive without a neatly folded card featuring a series of questions inviting opinion on decor, welcome, presentation of dish, appearance of the staff and so forth. You don't have to answer it, of course. But, being a Brit who hides his insecurities behind excessive and often unnecessary politeness, whenever I'm handed a pen by a smiling waitress I find it excruciatingly difficult to say no. And, being a Brit who hides his insecurities behind excessive and often unnecessary politeness, unless I've been spat at by the head chef or found the remnants of a kitchen unit in my soup, I'm more than likely to put "excellent" in every box. I just don't think I could hand someone back a form that said they'd done their job in anything but an exemplary manner.
But it's not just the country's food and beverage outlets that seem desperate for our approval rating. Almost anything that requires some element of customer service concludes with the invitation to leave a comment, often via multiple-choice questions. Even some taxis are fitted with special electronic boxes on the back of the passenger's seat where you can review your experience. Sadly "would probably have been better if the road signs had been pointing in the right direction" isn't an option.
But where do all the answers go? Is there a secret vault underneath the Burj Al Arab containing hundreds of thousands of filled-in questionnaires? Is there a vast team of statisticians feeding the numbers into an enormous database that is furiously churning through them all to find some sort of correlation? If so, they'd probably want to ignore the comments from Brits like myself, otherwise the results might be skewed slightly towards "we had an absolutely wonderfully marvellous time, thank you very much".
In response, might I suggest we fight fire with fire? Sure, we'll happily answer your feedback form, but only if you answer ours, too. How was my appearance on arrival? How was my selection from the menu? Did my starter successfully correspond with my main? Did I get food on my face/shirt/trousers/dining companion? Did I successfully spot that you had charged me for three waters when I had only two?
I'll get some forms printed up.
