My husband is a stay-at-home dad - why does that still raise eyebrows?

Aarti Nagraj's husband with their daughter. Aarti Nagraj / The National

My husband did not intend to be a stay-at-home dad. It happened circumstantially, and we as a family are grateful for it. But not everyone gets it.

I recall a conversation with a cab driver who simply could not comprehend why my husband was not the key earner for the family. A distant relative on my husband’s side once thanked me profusely for being the provider. And I’m fairly certain this would not have happened if the roles were reversed.

Society has always thrust the caregiver role upon women, and while the idea of stay-at-home mothers doesn’t necessarily raise eyebrows, men in that role still draw surprises in 2024.

But across the world family equations are changing, albeit at a slower pace. Between 1989 and 2021, the share of mothers who were not employed for pay in the US decreased slightly, from 28 per cent to 26 per cent, a report by the Pew Research Center last year found. Over the same time span, the share of fathers who were not working increased from 4 per cent to 7 per cent.

Due to these diverging trends, dads represent 18 per cent of stay-at-home parents, up from 11 per cent in 1989, the report said. Meaning, roughly one in five stay-at-home parents is a father.

My husband, Karthik Balasubramaniam, lost his job 10 years ago over several disagreements with his employer. After searching for other jobs, taking a course to launch a food business and trying other avenues, he finally followed his heart. He took a risk and began giving guitar classes, and gradually added more students.

But after we had our daughter six years ago, following a complicated pregnancy that required a lot of support from family, we had to shift gears completely.

Aarti Nagraj's husband with their youngest son. Aarti Nagraj / The National

My husband has always had a way with kids. He's the type of adult who can entertain babies and even make them go to sleep. His patience barometer is far higher than mine, which makes him a natural fit with little ones.

While focusing on his guitar classes in the afternoon, my husband managed my young daughter’s routine, from her meals to dropping and picking her up from day care. I mostly donned the chef’s hat. So while we shared responsibility for household chores, childcare was tilted more heavily towards my husband.

The Covid-19 pandemic took a major toll on our routine. My husband’s classes, which had to go online, dwindled significantly. But once we were out of the pandemic, our daughter transitioned to a regular school and we gradually settled into a new schedule.

In 2022, when I got a new job working in shifts and our second child was born, my husband shouldered a big part of the household responsibilities as we navigated baby parenthood again.

We continue to share tasks; however, my husband manages the personal finance department, our plants, breakfast, food packing and my daughter’s schedules, from play dates to swimming classes and school bag. Cooking, groceries, school projects and clothes fall under my domain.

He is always busy, too. Not playing video games and watching Netflix, but learning about investments, health and nutrition – and on his music when he has the time.

Aarti Nagraj with her husband and their two children. Aarti Nagraj / The National

If you are wondering, yes, we have had several discussions about whether being a single-income household is viable in a city like Dubai with two kids. We have had chats about goals and the future.

I asked him while writing this piece whether he is happy being a stay-at-home dad. “I don’t know,” he said. But we firmly believe in living in the present and are grateful for the choices we have.

I recently asked my daughter how she would describe her father to someone. “He makes me pancakes, takes me to my friends’ houses and I love him very much,” she said.