Why you should forgive your bank

Nima Abu Wardeh's relationship with her bank has been shattered by poor customer service. But because they are such nice people, she is willing to forgive.

Illustration by Gary Clement for the National

I've been hurt, let down, and promises have been broken. But despite the resulting stress and with no sign of anything being fixed, or a change in behaviour, I've decided to forgive. And we're still having a relationship.
The partner in this case is my bank.
Today I'd like to explore what makes us forgive some, and slam others.
Let me set the scene:
March: I attempt to make an online transfer through my bank's website and it fails. I call customer service, the issue is logged. Days (many days) later, having heard nothing, I venture into a branch, do some banking, and take up the matter face to face.
A staff member has a chat with IT support, doesn't manage to get the matter resolved, and gives me the IT head's direct landline number. I think to myself great, I'll definitely get closer now. But not so fast, Nima.
The number rang through for days. With no machine to take messages, and no call back from customer services, I was stuck.
The deadline for a few transfers was fast approaching, so I had to process them at the branch, and pay more than I would online for the privilege.
Fast forward to May. Two months on from my problem first surfacing and having endured intense stress attempting to get it fixed, I have thrown in the towel. I am calmer, feel empowered, and I am happy as a result. No, I didn't move to another bank. And no, the issues I had with them are still unresolved. Instead of fixing them, I am changing me. My expectations. I know where I stand. I know what I can and cannot expect. I will no longer factor internet banking in my life. It means that I will change how I do some things moving forward, but the pros outweigh the cons. For now.
It also means I might never access my statements online. Being given differing "factual" information about various accounts no longer bothers me either.
So precious is this newfound peace of mind that I have not let my bank know, lest they rock my delicate equilibrium. A top manager involved asks if the issue has been resolved - a pity no other member of staff did before I escalated the matter.
This is how I got to this point: one day last week I resolved to have this matter dealt with. I had assumed that would mean "fixed" and to be able to use internet banking as a time and cost-saving mode of managing my money. But I now realise that my aim should have been to have it no longer pending - no matter the outcome. And that I needed to decide what I want from my bank, and if I got the most important things, then I would drop other not so pressing needs.
Let me explain: On the "get things done" day, I ended up talking to 12 different individuals. Twelve people who did nothing to move the matter forward. Instead I was exhausted, drained and quite stressed.
I had called customer services. Explained the situation. Had I made an enquiry? Yes. Had I logged a complaint previously? Yes. I insisted on callbacks. Didn't get them. I insisted on being put through to the head of customer service unit. I insisted on quite a few things.
And this is what I learnt: this bank has many people manning phone lines - an 800 number - but none of them can resolve anything. Their function is purely to take notes and log the issue. This then gets shunted - via email - to the next level of people. These are not "fixers". They are armed with manuals and "how to" lists.
I had people calling me back who had never seen, let alone used the online system. Shudder. Just writing about this is getting my hackles up.
I learnt pretty quickly not to assume anything, and to ask basic questions such as: have you ever used your online banking system? Are you from retail or corporate? And ask them to tell me what my problem is - to establish some starting point for the conversation. I even had a woman call me who seemed to just want to ask me what the problem is.
She seemed to be a random banking equivalent of a "rubbernecker".
A week on, agreed times for phone meetings with the IT department didn't materialise. There were no handovers to new people getting involved.
I decided to STOP. For the sake of my sanity.
According to a US study on why some doctors get sued and others do not, it boils down to bedside manner. If a doctor knows names, is interested in the patient's life, then he/she is forgiven even if a mistake happens (Dr X is so nice, it wasn't his fault). Other, perhaps superior doctors who do not treat patients as people, are sued whenever there's a chance.
I am sticking with my bank because I like the people. I like that I can park right in front of the branch closest to me. That they look up my account number when I walk in without my card. And that's the key: our human relationship. They know me, what I'm like, what I forget and will ask for. And so, I forgive them. And I will keep them in my life. For now.
Nima Abu Wardeh is the founder of the personal finance website cashy.me. You can reach her at [e-mail]