What price love in the earnings divide?

Women are increasingly out-earning their husbands. So how does that affect relationships? Nima Abu Wardeh finds out.

Today I'd like you to think about social shift that comes from who brings in more money - a man or a woman - and what it means for relationships.
A friend shared news of her good fortune. She is now earning a tad under Dh100,000 a month - having stuck her neck out and joined a new venture that ticks her professional and entrepreneurial boxes. After divulging her current monthly wage, she followed with a quick "Don't tell X". Referring to the guy she's dating. She says she doesn't care that she earns (way) more, and is financially stable, and able, and that her love interest isn't - or does she?
I believe she's dealing with a mixed bag of not wanting to bring up the glaringly obvious monetary gap just yet - it's early days - lest it taint the relationship in some way, while staving off a potential monetary tangle that could evolve by being asked for a loan or financial aid of any sort.
I don't think she has thought through these issues, but they are there in the background, permanently present in her subconscious.
I know a young women of 25 who lives in a flat close to the beach and various social venues - my guesstimate has her earning at least Dh45,000 a month. Her partner believes she is "the one" she is not so sure. Her money behaviour is to keep their finances separate - she pays her way, including when dining out with him. He sees it as "their money, their life', she still has a way to go to be on-board - if ever. And yes, she out-earns him.
She has helped her beau with money over the years, and comes across as both weary and wary that the future might hold more of the same.
These women are not married to their love interest, and are obviously sensitised to their earning power outstripping their men's. If these relationships end, the reason won't be that they earn more - but it will make these women more able to walk away.
The fear of being held back was one reason given for not committing - and I believe there are many women out there who are struggling to deal with this: they are ambitious, clever and financially independent, and aspire to a partnership where this isn't held against them, or where they need to downplay it or give it up.
Being financially independent is what many females aspire to, but what happens with the prospect of marriage, family, roles and responsibilities when they are?
This is unfamiliar territory - think back to your family life when growing up - did your mother out-earn your father? Most likely not. But it's a growing trend.
According to the US bureau of labour statistics, 17.8 per cent of wives out-earned their husbands in 1987, compared with 29.3 per cent who did in 2013 - this is the measure for marriages where both partners earn.
This is a tough topic. It's not about money - it's about social and personal issues. Identity, family, roles, role models, self, expectation, family life - with a giant dose of emotion and validation at the core.
No one knows where this will lead - or what the dynamic of future families or personal relationships will be - but with more women than men graduating and holding on to jobs for longer before they start families, this issue won't politely disappear.
I love the way one man put it - he and his fiancée struggled with her earning five times as much as he does, and after working through ego issues and more, he now says: she is the balloon and I am the anchor.
From anecdotal evidence - in the way of people I know and stories I hear - it seems that "new age" men might state that they embrace their high-flying partners, but internalise feelings that can lead to resentment and confrontation. I notice that couples who were committed before the wife's earnings took off see this as a great thing and celebrate it, but entering into a relationship where the woman out-earns from the outset can be a challenge because there are subconscious issues at play.
Redistributing roles and responsibilities is tough. Reactions to it can mean reverting back to extreme stereotype, or having a personal, internal crisis around what it means to be a "real" man or woman.
The old way of dealing with money and gender was that the man, often the sole breadwinner, and if not then the person who brought in most of the dough, got to make the financial, and probably life, decisions. Not so now.
To the guys: instead of feeling emasculated by having a relationship with a woman who has financial power, take on board that reciprocity, support and contribution is key to a solid relationship, and I don't mean the financial type.
To the girls: financial power does not equal relationship power. Generations of women suffered the indignity of putting up and shutting up - because they could not support themselves and their dependents. This is your chance to show the world that a great relationship means mutual respect, trust and teamwork. Conflicts - and there will be many - should not include who earns what.
How about a social shift towards the bigger picture where we all muck in with whatever we're good at. And while we're at it, let's all practice letting our ego float away atop the balloon that will take us further.
Nima Abu Wardeh is the founder of the personal finance website cashy.me. You can reach her at [e-mail] and find her on Twitter at @nimaabuwardeh.
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