The Debt Panel: Husband ‘hated’ by wife can’t afford to leave UAE amid financial mess

Failed businessman who says his wife 'hates' him because of the financial difficulties he has caused, is too depressed to get a job or face up to his debts.

Clockwise from top left: Ambareen Musa, founder and CEO of Souqalmal.com, The National columnist Keren Bobker, Rasheda Khatun from Financial Life Planner, and Jamel Alvi, chief credit officer of Abu Dhabi Islamic Bank, during a roundtable panel discussion on why people are getting into excessive debt, how this situation can be resolved and where they can turn for help. Ravindranath K / The National and Marwan Alhammadi / The NationalShow less

I've been living in the UAE for over seven years and am married with two children. I've had some great times here and started my own business but that is where it all went badly wrong. I started my own HR consultancy over four years ago and used my own funds to invest and open the business. In the beginning we made some money to take care of living expenses etc, but my business partner had money problems and needed help for him and his family, so I lent him a large amount. It transpired this guy had many problems and was very good at getting money from people. I was a fool to lend to him but I am a trusting type. At one point he borrowed money off someone else for our business as payments were coming in slowly so I gave a cheque as security to this person as I thought we would be making good money later and capable of paying. That is when things went from OK to terrible and I was lumped with this cheque amount that I couldn't pay as I hadn't been paid for the work I had done. I then found out that my business partner had taken the money without me knowing leaving me with rent, schooling, and everything to pay for. I was in complete distress and I did all I could to hide this from my wife (who now wants to divorce me, not surprising really). I spent all my life's savings trying to sort my mess out, lost all my money and am now completely broke. I got depressed and spent most of my time hiding my head in the sand thinking I could avoid it all. They were very dark days and because of my depression and stress I couldn't work and I couldn't leave the country because of the cheque court case. I eventually cleared the cheque by asking a local friend of mine to pay for it and he did. I picked up a low paying job to tide things over but had to quit because I just couldn't perform in the job. I would love to have a job but I don't have the confidence to apply – I just can't face the rejection. In short, I've made many terrible financial mistakes and I'm at a point now where I'm trying to help myself get out of this hole but I can't do it without a loan from somewhere. My wife absolutely hates me as I've ruined us financially and I'm only around because she makes enough to keep things going and I help in the flat where I can. On the outside, people see this happy person but inside I feel like hell on a daily basis. I've screwed my life up and can't even afford to leave the UAE even if I wanted to. There is no place for people like myself to live here as I'm in a catch 22 situation – I don't have the money to leave and don't want to leave my kids. DS, UAE

Debt panellist 1: Keren Bobker, The National's On Your Side columnist and an independent financial adviser with Holborn Assets

This is an unfortunate situation to be in and DS has my sympathy, especially as he has been treated badly by someone he would expect to be able to trust, his business partner. The law in the UAE is very strict regarding debt and failure to meet repayments is a criminal offence, with commensurate penalties. The hardest part in such situations is often facing up to the problem and he has done that for which he deserves credit.

I am not clear whether DS is actually able to leave the UAE or if his passport is being held as surety as monies are still owed. If he is able to leave, he may want to consider if the opportunities are better in his home country, especially if there is a familial and/or government support system. If he is not able to leave I would not expect his situation to improve significantly until such time as any remaining debts are repaid. Having such problems hanging over your head is stressful but they will not go away so have to be tackled. If DS is feeling anxious, he may benefit from some professional counselling. While this may be an expense he may be reluctant to pay it could well be a good long-term investment if it assists with dealing with any mental issues preventing him from earning a decent income. I don’t know if any of the specialist clinics take on any pro-bono patients but there is nothing to lose by asking around.

Without a job DS cannot take out a loan and I have to question if more debt is the solution to this issue anyway. If he does take out a loan, under current UAE Central Bank rules, repayments must be limited to no more than 50 per cent of his monthly income. A person needs to be in a permanent job, for at least three months in most cases, before they can apply for a loan and a person’s credit score is taken into account now that the Etihad Credit Bureau is up and running. Getting out of financial difficulty is rarely a fast road but it can be done with focus and persistence.

Debt panellist 2: Rasheda Khatun Khan, a wealth and wellness planner and founder of Design Your Life

If financial distress only affected our money situations, we would be able to deal with it far easier than we do. It’s because of the ‘side effects’ - emotional, relationship, health and energy disruption - that it becomes a whole other beast.

Financial distress is actually the number one cause for ill health and the number one cause for divorce. Now how you got into this situation was based on often bad decisions and there is very little that can be done to undo the past so all efforts must be on rebuilding the future. Here are some steps to follow:

1. You need to make some decisions. Do you want to continue to remain as you are? Are you prepared to leave the past story of failure behind you? Do you want a different future? Are you prepared to do what it takes? What’s the most precious thing to you in your life? Are you prepared to lose that too? Having personal leverage is key. Without having a reason to ‘stand again’ will make it virtually impossible to find a way through. Find your leverage. Often it’s the loss of our loved ones.

2. Have a long conversation with your wife – it’s time to be open and honest and tell her you’ve messed up. Acknowledge her frustrations, fears and anger. Explain why at the time you thought you were doing right by her and the kids. Speak from your heart. If this is the family you want to hold onto, don’t let money break it up. Win her back. Make sure she knows you will do everything in your power to turn your fortunes back around.

3. Create a new vision for your future. Most people know what they don’t want but rarely do we know what we do want. List down all the things you want – for your family, in a job, for yourself etc. Get very specific and very clear.

4. Now list all the resources you have. What connections do you have – personal and professional? Start here. Tiny consistent steps towards your goals will help you build up the momentum to spiral you out.

The Debt Panel brings together four financial experts: Jamal Alvi, the chief credit officer at Abu Dhabi Islamic Bank (ADIB); Ambareen Musa, the founder and chief executive of the comparison website Souqalmal.com; Rasheda Khatun Khan, a wealth and wellness planner and founder of Design Your Life; and Keren Bobker, The National's On Your Side columnist and an independent financial adviser with Holborn Assets in Dubai. Together they answer queries in a weekly online column to help readers better tackle their debts. If you have a question for the panel, write to [e-mail].

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