Fighting about money is common among couples. Why? Firstly, two thirds of us rate money as a significant source of stress. When we’re stressed, we no longer talk like adults.
Secondly, money is considered taboo. Everyone is a little odd about it. We all have different backgrounds and money histories. We also tend to push our own views of money on to our partners.
Finally, it’s deeply personal and emotional.
The key to better conversations about money is to stop trying to win the conversation. Stop trying to prove how right you are. Instead, seek to understand your partner’s point of view and perhaps consider drafting a simple financial purpose statement. This should state the purpose of money in your life.
That’s it. It’s simple, yet profound. Rework this as often as you need, but keep it genuine and easy to remember.
It becomes a lens through which to view your financial life and focus your attention on the role money needs to play for you.
Let’s look at some examples.
The overspender: Money was very tight in Omar’s family when he was growing up. He made his way to the UAE and became a successful professional, earning a six-figure salary. Now that he finds himself with an upper-middle-class lifestyle, it’s easy for him to justify buying things that he could never have when he was growing up.
Omar knows he should be spending less and saving more, but information alone hasn’t been enough to help. He lives from one paycheque to the next.
He works on his statement and it reads: “Money’s purpose in my life is to provide security and peace of mind to my family and me.”
This helps him understand how to differentiate between impulse and necessity by asking himself if the purchase he’s about to make aligns with his financial purpose.
The underspender: James has been saving his whole life and is proud of his nest egg. He grew up watching his father make some bad financial decisions and vowed he would be different.
Now that he’s approaching retirement, it’s hard for him to imagine not being able to save and even harder to imagine relying on his savings.
He and his wife fight regularly because he believes she spends too much, while she believes he is too cheap. Although they have an eight-figure net worth, James still stresses over relatively small purchases such as restaurant bills.
co-chief executive, AES
Intentionality here can help the two of them realise that life is short, they don’t have many more active years left and that leaving millions to their children wasn’t the main goal.
Their combined statement reads as follows: “Money’s purpose in our lives is to share our fortune with family and community and to enable happy, meaningful times for the two of us.”
Now, James and his wife can enjoy holidays, renovations to their house and even date nights without fighting about overspending.
The social comparer: Phil is a real estate broker and has trouble avoiding social comparison. He doesn’t want to just keep up with the Joneses, he wants to be the Joneses. When he sees other people with a newer phone, fancier gadget or other luxuries that he doesn’t have, he has an immense feeling of deprivation.
He works in an industry that focuses heavily on status and his career makes him feel compelled to impress potential clients and other agents.
After some self-introspection, his statement reads: “Money’s purpose in my life is to help me connect and create.”
This helps Phil ground his identity to his personal values. It made him realise he’d been using his money, time and energy in ways that didn’t align with what was important to him. Instead, he feels happiest when he’s connecting with other people and engaging in creative pursuits.
Phil has learnt to compare himself with prior versions of himself, rather than with others. It has taken practice but when he feels a sense of deprivation, Phil checks in with his statement and lets that feeling pass.
Here are some other real-life examples of financial purpose statements:
- Money’s purpose in my life is to support a calm, fulfilling and enjoyable lifestyle.
- Money’s purpose in my life is to allow me to share experiences with my family and raise responsible, independent children.
- Money’s purpose in my life is to live life fully and contribute generously.
- Money’s purpose in my life is to provide security and stability to my family. It should never be valued over relationships or my values. Excess should be freely and joyfully shared with others in need.
- Money’s purpose in our lives is to allow us to spend quality time together as a family, supporting a lifestyle that satisfies our needs with opportunities to give, travel and save.
- Money’s purpose in my life is to enable me to live life to the fullest.
Once you know your financial purpose, write it down. Stick it on your fridge. Carry it with you. Memorise it. Use it whenever you need to make sure you’re using your money as a tool to support the life you want to live.
We get one shot. Spend time deciding what you want out of life and choose how to use your money to support it. Live the life you’ll be proud to look back on without regret or remorse.
Sam Instone is co-chief executive of wealth management company AES
