Jason Bourne vs Bond
It’s the spy stand-off of the century – the CIA’s most lethal black ops specialist goes up against MI6’s finest gentleman spy. The two have plenty in common: a past tinged with family tragedy and lost love, a tendency to go off-plan and incite the rage of their superiors, a dizzying array of gadgets and a habit of leaving a trail of destruction and death in their wake as they seek to save the world from international terrorists, criminal masterminds, or even their own corrupt security services. But who would win in the ultimate spy-off? The hard as nails American secret service agent, or the suave British spy? Perhaps the greatest advantage of a stand-off between the two is that by judicious dropping of letters from the two protagonist’s last names, we could have the world’s first biscuit-themed spy caper – anyone for a BourBond Identity?
Terminator vs RoboCop
It's a real life Robot Wars finale as the iconic cyborgs from two classics of eighties sci-fi movies go head-to-head for the prize of Ultimate Robowarrior. At first glance you might think Arnie's Terminator holds all the cards – his metal skeleton is almost indestructible, he's self healing and his lack of human emotions make him a fearsome opponent. But wait – in the original film, the Terminator is defeated by mere humans. Then, in the sequels, Skynet sends back ever more advanced models, each of which is roundly defeated by Arnie's reprogrammed T100. Peter Weller's RoboCop, on the other hand, remains undefeated by whatever foe – robot or human – so against all the early predictions, we're going for a RoboCop victory.
Death Wish vs The Equaliser vs The Punisher
It's a three-way smackdown of rage-fuelled vigilante killers as this trio face-off for the title of Most Brutal Nemesis of Criminal Vermin in the Northeastern United States. First of all, we're going to have to put Denzel Washington's 2014 movie version of The Equalizer in the ring, rather than Edward Woodward's original 1985 version. We loved the Woodward television series, but in the time it would take him to sternly, but politely, lecture the other two on the errors of their violent ways, they'd have him full of more lead than a Victorian plumber's warehouse. Washington's version is an altogether more violent proposition. I'd suggest Charles Bronson's architect, Paul Kersey from Death Wish, may be the first to fall here. His rage following the death of his family is a powerful weapon, but likely to flounder in front of the other two's special ops training. The remaining pair is hard to call – The Punisher shares Kersey's anger at seeing his family slain, but The Equalizer's calm, almost somnambulic approach to wholesale slaughter could give him a clearer mind in battle. If the three teamed up, you wouldn't want to be a criminal.
Ewoks vs Mogwai
Two of the cutest creatures in movie legend face-off in a surprisingly kid-friendly battle of the fluffy sweet things. Logically, Star Wars' Ewoks should win hands down – we've seen in Return of the Jedi that despite their teddy-bear appearance, Ewoks are quite capable of fighting with spears and catapults and even destroying huge armoured vehicles such as AT-ATs, with their cunning log traps. Gremlins' Mogwai have no previous form at all for large-scale combat. There's just one problem: whether the battle takes place on the Mogwai's native Earth or the Ewoks' native Forest Moon of Endor, both are largely lush, green places, which means lots of water. And when a Mogwai gets wet, we get Gremlins. If the Ewoks can convince Disney to return to the arid Abu Dhabi desert for the face-off, they should be a safe bet. If they stray too close to the beach, though, I wouldn't be so sure.
