It's not the first time Dubai has appeared in song, but it's almost definitely the worst. Put your hands over your ears for Lauren Devine's new single, This Is How We Do Dubai, a track is likely to do for our beloved city what Rebecca Black did for Fridays.
Where to start? Ok, before the 'music' kicks in there are the graphics, starting with a rotating Palm Jumeirah in the middle that I guess is supposed to look like those rubbish Ministry Of Sound-style club logos that appeared in most 'MASSIVE TRANCE EUPHORIA' album tracks circa 2000. And what's that on the left, a pyramid? Is that the Raffles hotel? Don't worry though, as there are some lovely computer graphic palm trees on either side just to take the edge of things.
And then onto the lyrics. Wow. Devine's perfect Dubai experience apparently involves 'killer tanning' (which we guess means with a really low factor suncream), a 'Jacuzzi mattress' (we had to add the capital - it seems whoever is doing the video doesn't realise Jacuzzi is actually a brand name, tut tut) and a 'sick black yacht', all of which appears to have been bankrolled by her friendly 'Russian gangsters'. She also requests to see someone's breath in her 'tented oasis', which sounds quite odd, and cleverly rhymes 'quicksand' with 'hand', and its all 'sung' through some Autotune-style sea-sickness inducing wobbliness.
Sadly the music isn't able to lift these inspirational bits of wordplay, beginning largely as an ear-bleeding assault of high-pitched noise that even Ke$ha would have rejected, before chilling out into a theme for an early 90s Mario-like video game and then returning back to the ear-bleeding for its final send-off.
Has it gone down well?
'I think my ears just vomited,' offered one internet commentator, echoing many web-based critics.
This may be how Lauren Devine does Dubai, but let's just hope nobody follows up her travel advice.
