A long time ago in a press statement far, far away (in 2012), Walt Disney confirmed that it would be making new Star Wars movies. Ever since, rumours about plots, casts, shooting locations, types of spaceships – in fact, anything Star Wars-related you can think of – have been raining down on the internet like meteors from the Anoat Asteroid Belt.
The latest is that Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi, one of the key characters in the first six chapters of the saga – whether in physical or spirit form – is to get his own stand-alone trilogy of films that will tell the story of what happened to him after the end of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, and before Luke Skywalker found him living in a cave on Tatooine at the start of Episode IV: A New Hope.
According to Cinelinx, which says it has reliable sources, at least one part of the of the Obi-Wan trilogy would be set entirely on Tatooine.
Of course, when parts of Episode VII were filmed in Abu Dhabi this year, it was widely believed that the emirate's desert was standing in for the desert of Tatooine, so could the capital be in for an even bigger Star Wars boom?
In fact, since we already know that Kenobi spent much of his life between Episodes III and IV living as a hermit on Tatooine, watching over young Luke Skywalker lest the evil Empire should learn of his existence, could we be in for a three-film shooting bonanza right here in the UAE?
Admittedly, specifics are thin on the ground and there has been no official confirmation of any Obi-Wan Kenobi film yet, much less a trilogy.
We doorstepped all our best local Star Wars sources and contacts – and were met mostly by quizzical looks, with perhaps just a hint of "here we go again" eye-rolling.
Everyone we spoke to flatly denied any knowledge apart from our own reporting of last week's rumour. But then, producers twofour54 was hardly forthcoming about the rumours when Episode VII came to town, so why should this be any different?
Granted, though, this time we are talking about a rumoured film project that may or may not be in the very early stages of development, and even if it does get the green light it could be years away from filming.
Nonetheless, just for fun, we’ve hit upon some possible script ideas to cover all bases. Consider this an early report about what could be the showbiz scoop of 2027.
THE SCRIPTS
Sand caper
First of all, we know that Kenobi spends about two decades on Tatooine watching over Luke, from the time the baby in swaddling clothes is dropped off with his grandmother Shmi in Revenge of the Sith until we meet the adult Luke at the start of A New Hope.
That’s a long time to keep yourself amused on a barren desert planet – long enough to transform a youthful Ewan McGregor into thespian elder statesman Alec Guinness, in fact - so here are some UAE jobs that could help keep Kenobi gainfully employed while he waits for the galactic rebellion to get back on course.
Directing traffic at roadworks
With so much construction going on all across the UAE, the hard working “man with a flag”, valiantly directing traffic at roadworks, is a familiar sight to the region’s drivers. And just because the cars hover on Tatooine, why would things be any different there? It’s a largely uncelebrated, unappreciated role – but imagine how different that could be if instead of that flag, or the occasional light stick at major events, Kenobi trained up a veritable display team of light sabre-wielding, traffic-directing Jedi Knights? Being stuck on Jumeirah Road waiting, seemingly literally, for the tram to be finished would never be the same again.
Cinema usher
There’s been much talk in this paper recently of the poor manners of the region’s cinemagoers. Kenobi’s Jedi skills could be the perfect solution here. There are occasions when latecomers have a valid excuse, and on such occasions Kenobi’s light sabre would serve as a perfect tool for guiding them to their seats. For those badly behaved guests without a valid excuse for causing a noise disruption, however, let’s see how keen they are to munch noisily on popcorn and chat on their phones when the cinema is marshalled by a cloaked Jedi warrior wielding the galaxy’s most iconic lethal weapon. I predict a rapid change in social etiquette.
Yoga teacher
Jedi mind powers are legendary, while yoga is incredibly popular with the UAE’s stressed-out workers. It’s a perfect dovetailing of interests, and weekend Jedi meditation sessions on the beach would be sure to attract a crowd and give Kenobi some respite from his hermit-like existence in the desert.
Surgeon
The UAE has stated its intention to become a leading global centre for medical tourism, and Kenobi could help here too. You can buy all the expensive laser-surgery equipment you like, but is it really even fit to coexist in the same surgery as a bona fide Jedi light sabre? I doubt it. Cataracts? Not a problem – Dr Kenobi will have you fixed in jiffy. Keyhole surgery? Just tell me where you’d like the incision, sir. With Jedi mind trickery on the table too, there’d be no need for costly painkillers and anaesthetists. Just a simple “this is not the leg that is hurting you” and you’d be done.
cnewbould@thenational.ae
