Married life: western ideas on parenting that remain a mystery to Arabs

Looking in from a Western viewpoint, I am able to poke fun at myself as an Arab as I try to figure out how to raise my child and which parenting ideals to embrace, considering that I have one foot firmly planted in the Middle East and the other in Canada.

I have been preoccupied with the questionable and sometimes funny cultural traditions that Arabs hold on to when raising their children.

I’ve good-naturedly laughed at it all: from dressing a baby in multiple layers regardless of the temperature for fear that the child will catch cold, to decking a newborn in gold amulets and blue beads to ward off the evil eye.

Looking at it from a western viewpoint, I am able to poke fun at myself as an Arab as I try to figure out how to raise my child and which parenting ideals to embrace, considering that I have one foot firmly planted in the Middle East and the other in Canada.

But there are some quintessentially western – specifically, American or Canadian – norms to parenting that are baffling to Arabs, or at least are different enough that they make us sit up and take note.

First off, there is the matter of how shocked westerners are when they see that our daughters’ ears have been pierced at an early age. Arabs don’t understand why it is such a big deal. Westerners prefer to leave the decision up to the girl and allow her to make the choice about whether to pierce her ears when she is old enough.

And that is the fundamental difference: western parenting is all about reasoning with the child and giving them the right to make a choice. Children are taught to make decisions from a young age – would you like to drink apple juice or milk with your snack?, which book would you like to read before bedtime tonight?

With Arabs, the adult has the authority. Unfortunately, our approach sometimes leads to timid and compliant children who grow up being seen but not heard. For me it’s an ongoing battle to find the balance between raising an opinionated child who is confident of her ability to make decisions, yet is polite enough to concede to her mother when the moment calls for it.

Then, there is the western obsession with schedule.

I am guilty of this – I have no leniency when it comes to Baby A’s routine. Nap time is sacred, bed time is non- negotiable and meals times are the same time every day because I believe it allows my daughter to flourish, in that she knows what to expect. Arabs are more laid-back and it’s quite common to see Arab families enjoying a late dinner in a crowded restaurant while the baby sleeps in the buggy beside the table. Mr T and I haven’t managed to loosen up in that regard and that certainly gets frustrating every now and then.

And now for the hardest to explain: babysitters.

Westerners have no qualms about hiring a babysitter so they can go out for the evening. For Arabs, the concept of a babysitter who is a stranger is odd. For those with no nanny, it is either a family member who will watch the baby or no one at all – which is why Mr T and I have yet to go out on a date since Baby A was born.

Growing up in Canada, my brothers and I used to beg my parents to leave us with a babysitter – it seemed exciting to us that we would be just like the kids in the movies. Needless to say, it never happened.

In the end, there is no right or wrong way of doing this parenting gig. I’m just lucky that I get a peek at all the different ways and choose a path that works for us.

Hala Khalaf is a freelance writer living in Abu Dhabi