I do not agree that calling my daughter beautiful is a bad idea.
There are numerous campaigns out there that would have me believe otherwise. It’s practically become a trend today to avoid telling little girls that they are pretty or complimenting them on their dresses and silken curls.
The most recent message comes from an advertisement by the telecommunications company Verizon. The advert depicts one girl’s development from her toddler years up until she’s a teenager and the social cues she receives – presumably from her parents – which push her away from her inherent interest in maths and curiosity about science. The ad makes it seem that by saying “who’s my pretty girl?” to your daughter or asking her not to get her dress dirty as she explores the outdoors, you are setting her up to become more interested in reapplying lipgloss than taking part in the forthcoming science fair. The video ends by saying: “Our words can have a huge impact. Isn’t it time we told her she’s pretty brilliant, too? Encourage her love of science and technology and inspire her to change the world.”
The advert does have an important message: girls are often taught – subconsciously – that they are inferior to boys in subjects such as science and maths, or that they are too pretty to become computer -science majors or engineers. It’s definitely a bad idea to thwart both boys and girls and to discourage their curiosity and intelligence. It’s especially absurd to tell girls, overtly or by omission, that their main job is to be pretty.
But that doesn’t mean the solution is in refraining from telling my daughter she’s pretty.
She’s absolutely beautiful, and I’ll never stop drumming that fact into her until she is sure of it, confident in herself, comfortable in her skin and in the reflection she sees in the mirror. Telling her she’s pretty doesn’t mean she won’t hear anything else I say. Studies have shown that it is imperative for daughters to hear, from their fathers especially, that they are pretty. Mr T has a responsibility to remind Baby A, periodically, that to him, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world.
Baby A will hear enough negative comments from the mean girls and the petty troublemakers of this world when she gets older. Her father and I are the two people in the world who get to tell her she’s beautiful any time we want. Not that she has the potential to become beautiful, or that she’ll be so beautiful if only she loses a few pounds, but that she’s beautiful exactly as she is.
Perhaps Verizon is asking us to balance the messages we are giving our daughters.
It’s OK to tell your children they are beautiful, as long as it isn’t presented as the best part of who he or she is, because being attractive shouldn’t become the main focus of anyone’s identity.
It’s not an either-or situation – telling a girl she’s pretty doesn’t mean she won’t be entering a science competition and letting my daughter play with my lipstick or prance around in my high heels doesn’t mean she won’t have a head for mathematics.
Hala Khalaf is a freelance writer based in Abu Dhabi
