With the shocking actions of a 13-year-old boy at the heart of the story in Adolescence, the “every parent’s nightmare” scenario raises tough questions for all mums and dads, particularly those raising boys.
The four-part Netflix series centres on Jamie (Owen Cooper), who is accused of murdering his classmate, Katie. As police piece together the events leading up to the crime, the show unpacks themes of misogyny, male rage and the challenges of bringing up children, especially boys, in the age of social media.
As a mother of three boys, aged 12, nine and six, here are seven things I've learnt from watching the show.
Children should not have social media – no exceptions
Children should not be videoing themselves for likes, posting for validation, being exposed to and commenting on images they can’t unsee and communicating via Snapchat. Parents should not be hashtagging their children or using them for content. End of. You are not giving your child some mythical head start by allowing them early access to social media. By their very nature, social media, along with phones and iPads are designed to be easy to use and for anyone to master in minutes, meaning your child will figure them out pretty swiftly when they get to an appropriate age. Meanwhile, they are not being left behind or left out, they are having their mental health protected during vital, formative years.
Don’t dismiss children’s concerns and wants
Adulthood is an effective amnesia when it comes to remembering what’s important to teenagers. When I was growing up, having the “right” kind of trainers was a non-negotiable at school. Does it seem foolish now? For sure, but it felt vital then. Whether it’s the “right” haircut, wearing the latest brands or wanting to be popular, don’t dismiss what’s important to children, because these things matter in their world, irrespective of how silly you may find them. That’s not to say you should indulge their every whim or buy everything they ask for. This is about listening, letting them know it’s OK to want things, then making and explaining your decision.
Monitor your child’s online life
In the show, children are shown clinging to their phones, clutching them like comfort blankets as they walk, talk, sit and eat. We have lost the battle against mobile phones infiltrating every single aspect of our lives, but that doesn’t mean we need to cede control or relinquish our agency over what our children see and watch. Monitor their WhatsApp groups, check their internet history and scroll through their social media, because protecting children as they navigate technology and life online absolutely outweighs their right to privacy. You don’t have to be sneaky about it and should let them know you are doing it and why in order to facilitate open, continuing conversations.
Children should not be out at night. You should know where they are
“You can’t keep an eye on them all the time, you just can’t,” laments Jamie’s dad, Eddie (Stephen Graham) in Adolescence. To which I thought: “You should. You have to.” That’s part of the deal you make as a parent. Children are not small adults. They do not have the cognitive functions of grown-ups and are not fully formed mentally, emotionally or physically. They should not be roaming the streets alone or with friends late at night unsupervised. Curfews should be in place and should be enforced.
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Understand how children communicate
DI Luke Bascombe’s (Ashley Walters) son Adam (Amari Bacchus) explaining to his uncomprehending dad the meaning of the various emojis posted on Jamie’s Instagram is a powerful eye-opener. Young people’s slang has always been impenetrable to older generations, because differentiating themselves from what has gone before is the whole point. These days, children communicate with memes and emojis and parents need to know what they mean. A quick Google will usually turn up the information or better still, ask your children what something means. Children find it amusing to educate mum and dad, let them indulge you.
Very young children absorb societal beauty standards
“I’m ugly”, Jamie tells his psychiatrist in episode three, spiralling into anger and self-loathing when she doesn’t contradict him. Pre-internet, when all we had was the mirror, our peer group and magazines against which to judge our looks, we could mostly choose to filter out whatever made us feel bad about ourselves. But with the internet in their pocket, children are exposed to unattainable beauty standards that chip away at self-esteem from a very young age. Body-positive conversations around health and aesthetics, a focus on uniqueness and discussing how and why people filter and Photoshop images should be frequent talking points.
No electronics in bedrooms
“He’d be up until 1am on his computer in his room,” says Jamie’s mum Manda (Christine Tremarco). His dad replies: “We couldn’t have done nothing about that. All kids are like that these days, aren’t they. We don’t know what they’re watching in their room.”
The conversation between Jamie’s parents exposes the parental self-reassurance that when “all kids are like that these days” we are somehow absolved of responsibility because “it’s what kids do”. What other children are allowed to do should not influence your parenting. Bedrooms should be sanctuaries where children can close the door on the world if they need to. They can’t if the world via their phone or computer is in there with them. Children sleep, relax and function better when distractions are removed. Don’t just turn them off, take them out.
