Whatever your nationality, and whether your team qualified or not, the World Cup is likely to prompt paroxysms of emotions varying from love to hate and mirth to misery over the coming month.
Amid the passion of it all, it will be sometimes be tough to remembered that sport is just supposed to be a glorious distraction from everyday life. So we have devised a game to make sure the Beautiful Game remains just that – a bit of a laugh.
Accrue points based on the regularity the following sights cropping up during the hours and hours of World Cup viewing ahead. The highest score wins. Pencil at the ready – and good luck.
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An image of the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro – 0.25 points
Richard Keys proclaims BeIn Sports’ World Cup coverage to be the biggest and best in the world – 0.25 points
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Pele backs Brazil to win the World Cup – 1 point
Three minutes into injury time, with Italy holding a two-goal cushion and cruising to victory, their striker Mario Balotelli goes into a strop when an opposing defender deigns to attempt a tackle. Goes wild and gets a red card – 1 point
Pele backs Spain to win the World Cup – 1 point
Looking like a disappointed uncle whose nephew has not paid attention, England’s manager Roy Hodgson crumples his face, puts his hands on his hips, then sits down in a grump. Unleashes a verbal volley at his assistant, Ray Lewington, while pointing at the pitch – 1 point
Ray Lewington looking ahead, nodding silently – 1 point
Pele backs Colombia to win the World Cup – 1 point
A sprightly Samuel Eto’o nets for Cameroon following a sharp break, then totters to the corner flag and holds his back, having suddenly aged – 1 point
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Joel Campbell, the Costa Rica forward, poaching a goal then celebrating by taking a Panini sticker of himself from his sock and wielding it happily above his head – 2 points
Portugal players rage apoplectically against refereeing injustice after a match-turning handball decision goes against them. Fabio Coentrao scratches an opponent’s face. Cristiano Ronaldo cries. Video replays show the referee’s decision was perfectly correct – 2 points (add 3 bonus points if Pepe is wearing the rear-end of a pantomime cow costume at the time)
The United States score a dramatic last-minute winner, prompting coach Jurgen Klinsmann to charge from his technical area and reprise the trademark diving celebration from his Premier League pomp. In his suit – 2 points
Yaya Toure chowing down on cake – 2 points
Robin Van Persie, the Netherlands captain, goes Awol after his side suffer a damaging group stage loss to Chile. While being quizzed by media at the airport as he beats a hasty retreat back to Europe, he lumps the blame on the manager, Louis Van Gaal. “I cannot play for this man,” says the Manchester United striker. Erm ... – 2 points
While Belgium’s conditioning coach tasks the players with doing press ups as part of their pre-match warm-up, Romelu Lukaku pushes the Earth down instead – 2 points
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The England striker Daniel Sturridge doing the dance – 3 points
Argentina and England strike an unlikely alliance as they agree to join forces to try to oust the Germans – 3 points
Miroslav Klose, the lone striker in the German squad, breaks Ronaldo’s World Cup goals record then lifts up his No 11 shirt to reveal a T-shirt underneath saying: “No 9 – we have feelings, too.” Later explains that he feels Good Old Centre-forwards are being persecuted by the duplicitous breed of false 9s. All because of that pesky Pep Guardiola – 3 points
Michel Platini and Sepp Blatter engaging in a tete a tete in the posh seats set aside for Fifa executives. A leaked report later reveals the spat arose when Platini asked Blatter to keep an eye on his packet of extra strong mints while he went to attend a call of nature. The president agreed to, but Platini returned to find an empty packet of sweets and Blatter saying he recalled nothing of any deal – 3 points
Howard Webb showing a red card to a player who committed a foul with a chest high, kung-fu kick on his opponent – 3 points (add a bonus point if it is the player’s third bookable offence in the game. Add two bonus points if it is a Manchester United player)
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Sergio Busquets accepts a refereeing decision going against him with equanimity, telling the official: “Fair play, you are quite right, I did sneakily trip my opponent. I hold my hands up and admit my guilt.” His Spain teammate Sergio Ramos steps in and agrees, telling the referee he will give his colleague a stern talking to and tell him he must not offend in similar fashion again – 5 points
The Brazil manager Luis Felipe Scolari and Hollywood actor Gene Hackman in the same room at the same time – 5 points
Diego Costa gets a rapturous welcome by the home supporters when he plays in the red of Spain in Brazil. Every touch of the ball the Atletico Madrid striker makes is met with a loving cheer of “Ole!” and he is afforded a standing ovation when he scores – 5 points
A close-up image of Samir Nasri’s significant other sat in the stand toying with a Didier Deschamps voodoo doll – 5 points
Pele backs Argentina to win the World Cup – 5 points
Nelson Paviotti, a lawyer from Sao Paolo state, wearing anything other than yellow, blue, green and white. In 1994, he said he would wear Brazil’s colours every day for the rest of his life if they won the World Cup in the United States. They duly did, and he has apparently kept his promise ever since – 5 points
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Japan’s Keisuke Honda erratically blazes a free-kick into Row Z, then has a swipe at the manufacturers of the match-ball. “This Brazuca is rubbish,” he rants. “Nowhere near as good as the Jabulani” – 10 points
The Brazilian forward Hulk gets angry and turns into Romelu Lukaku – 10 points
Wayne Rooney literally exploding during this World Cup. Literally – 10 points
A 12-year-old schoolboy from Dubai comes forward to demand a cut of David Luiz’s transfer fee from Chelsea to Paris St Germain, on account of the fact it is he who has been controlling his movements all along. He brings along his PlayStation control pad as evidence – 10 points
Zlatan Ibrahimovic – 10 points
Mohamed Bin Hammam – 10 points
pradley@thenational.ae
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