Men should be more like women. There, I said it. Women are always being told to be more like men.
Time have changed and we now bring up our daughters in a way that gives them the opportunity to try non-traditional activities, ideas and attitudes, to explore a range of skills, subjects, professions and experiences. We cheerlead: Go, girl; build that Lego; try out that science experiment; don’t let stereotypes hold you back.
But we don’t do that for our boys. Why? The number of parents who worry about their little boys playing in toy kitchens – are you concerned that they will learn to feed themselves? – or rocking cuddly toys in their arms – will it threaten their masculinity to know how to care for a baby? – is surprising.
There’s only one reason why so many people still bristle at boys doing “girlie” things: because we continue to think it’s bad to be girlie, and bad to do the things that girls do. The equation underneath this is that “women’s work” is less valuable, less important and less proper. And, ultimately, that not only is it bad to be girlie and do the things girls do, but it’s just less good to be a girl or a woman, less good to do things as a girl. The right way, we believe, is the man’s way.
The pen manufacturer Bic ran into trouble recently in South Africa, where it posted an advertisement that told women to “look like a girl ... and think like a man”. Wrong. The definition of a successful woman is not to be physically pleasing in the form of a prepubescent but be masculine to get ahead.
There is a societal shift where women are getting involved in the public and economic space. We’ve had Sheryl Sandberg, the chief operating officer of Facebook, telling women to “lean in” like men do. Plenty has been written about how women need to network more, feel less like “impostors”, blag it more, be more confident – basically be more like men.
Frankly, I don’t want to live in a world where everybody is either a man or like a man (biological differences notwithstanding).
So here’s what needs repeating: men need to be more like women. Women do most of the world’s housework. Women do most of the childcare. Women do most of the caregiving. More women are teachers and nurses. And that’s even before we start a discussion about whether men should learn better behaviours from women – traits considered more feminine like kindness, compassion, concern for others, smiling, family building and so on.
We certainly live in a world where there’s room for less hawkish gung-ho macho behaviour, where family needs to be prioritised over finance.
I’m not saying men should be women or that women should be men. Just that our world continues to value male activities over female ones, and male behaviour patterns over female ones.
One change to indicate that this situation has been rebalanced is when we actively encourage our boys to fully learn “women’s work”, and when our menfolk feel a natural unforced compunction to be integrated into home life and household management.
Men, I know you can do it, no matter how much you put yourselves down: you, too, are capable of doing “women’s work”. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Shelina Zahra Janmohamed is the author of Love in a Headscarf and blogs at www.spirit21.co.uk