Listen to both sides of the story

Shelina Zahra Janmohamed asks: why do we tend to ignore the female perspective while talking about relations between a husband and wife?

Women do a lot of work that often goes unnoticed by men. Ravindranath K / The National

When your husband comes home from work, greet him at the doorstep with a smile. Wear a pretty dress. Let him come in and relax, don’t trouble him with the details of your day. He needs rest after his stressful work. Give him a delicious meal and don’t let the children bother him.

Wait, what? Check the date on the newspaper. We’re not in the 1950s. Yet, this is advice women continue to get as they are told how to build successful relations with their better halves.

There’s nothing wrong with the idea of being sensitive to someone who has come home after a hard day’s work. And ensuring that you look good for your spouse helps keep a marriage fresh.

But let’s tell the story from the other side of the doorstep: from the woman’s perspective. She’s been at home with her children who might have cried all day, thrown tantrums at breakfast, lunch and dinner, disobeyed, run around the house scattering toys and other objects and leaving snot and paint marks here and there. The baby might have refused to sleep and screamed incessantly except when being breastfed. And the mother might not have had time to eat or drink to maintain her energy level.

On this side of the doorstep, the advice is quite different: the poor mum had been driven to the edge of a nervous breakdown, so when you get home, the first thing you should do is scoop the baby out of her hands, entertain the toddler and allow her to relax for 20 minutes while you tidy up and prepare for dinner. Oh, and I hope you remembered to bring a bunch of flowers just because she’s lovely.

This is the “doorstep problem”. Looking from a man’s perspective, he might have a sense of entitlement, undermine a woman’s role and might not pay adequate attention to her needs for emotional and physical support. That mothers have the most important role is a paradox, because when the father arrives at home, his needs are supposedly more important and more urgent.

The truth is, both perspectives are equally important. But we often tend to stand in the man’s shoes at the doorstep,that’s bad for everyone. Overlooking the female experience leads to a sense of resentment in a relationship. Moreover, such a perspective is not fair or insightful.

Pointing out that we need to view things from the other side of the doorstep is usually met with the response that we should focus on the goal of the story. But we should constantly ask: why was the story told in that way? Couldn’t the same result have been achieved through different means? We must be as conscious of the way a story is framed as we are of the “objective”, because both are equally crucial to determine how we perceive the world.

Storytelling is a powerful way to convey a message and call for action. It’s why advertisements and religions alike rely on this method to change behaviour. A human brain processes images 60 times faster than text, so painting a picture could be more effective than bullet points or directives.

This story is not about the doorstep. It’s a visual reminder that we must expand our storytelling to see a female perspective.

Shelina Zahra Janmohamed is the author of Love in a Headscarf and blogs at www.spirit21.co.uk