Husband: you should be nice to your wife

It gives me great pleasure to tell husbands to be nicer to their wives, because it’s better for themselves, and it’s the right thing to do, writes Shelina Zahra Janmohamed

Science has finally confirmed what women, especially wives, have always known. The age old maxim, happy wife equals happy life, is true. Men, we told you so.

Nobody likes a know it all, least of all husbands, so here is the science. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, looked at 394 couples who had been married for 39 years or more.

The study differs from previous research because it looked at the personal feelings of both spouses to assess how both marital perspectives influence the psychological well-being of older adults. The more content the wife is with the long-term union, the happier the husband is with his life no matter how he feels about their marriage.

“For both spouses, being in a better-rated marriage was linked to greater life satisfaction and happiness,” said Deborah Carr, one of the lead researchers. Her explanation was that when a wife is satisfied with the marriage, she tends to do a lot more for her husband, which has a positive effect on his life.

A wife seems to step up to caring responsibilities more than a husband, and to be more concerned about a sick spouse. Wives became less happy if the husband became ill. What seems rather hard hearted is that the husbands’ happiness level didn’t change if their wives got sick. That’s because the wife usually cares for the husband, but when the wife is sick she is looked after not by her husband but by her daughter.

What startles me about these findings is that it is in contrast to much traditional advice about how to maintain a happy healthy marriage, which is aimed at women bearing the brunt of sustaining the relationship. Wives are advised to cook better, to ensure the house is gleaming, to keep the children quiet and freshly cleaned, to look like the day the couple was first married, and to meet all his requirements (even if hers are not met).

Ultimately, the responsibility for the success or failure of the marriage is placed on her shoulders and should he stray, she is blamed, as though he was a puppy to be fed and watered. It’s insulting to men in my view, unjust to women and now it is clear that actually such advice doesn’t even lead to happier outcomes.

We need to re-evaluate where the resources of a marriage are invested to promote happiness. Does that mean more spa days for the wife, and less viewing of football matches by the husband? That sounds like fun (yes, I’d like a spa day) and might have short term benefits, but the study should make us think about how husbands should take time to understand and support a woman’s fulfilment. By ensuring her long term needs and aspirations are met, she feels more happiness and satisfaction, which in turn leads to her being even more supportive and nurturing. Not from fear of being abandoned, not from social pressure, but from kindness, happiness and love. Husbands can pick up those vibes, and it helps them to excel.

Not only does ensuring a happy wife offer husbands emotional well-being, the study found it can affect the health of husbands as they age, too.

While I write this as objective journalism, I’m not shy to admit that it gives me great pleasure to tell husbands to be nicer to their wives, because it’s better for themselves, and it’s the right thing to do.

Husbands: invest in your wife, make her happy and the rewards will come back to you making your own life happy.

Shelina Zahra Janmohamed is the author of Love in a Headscarf and blogs at www.spirit21.co.uk