Feeling angry? You are not alone. About one-third of the people who turn up at the Dubai Herbal and Treatment Centre are seeking support for anger-related issues. We speak to one of the centre's therapists to find out how you can simmer down.
The problem
The psychologist Devika Singh says people who learn how to express their anger in a healthy way are less prone to physical symptoms and more likely to keep their relationships safe from hostility-induced trauma.
"Anger is a reaction to a situation, not a proactive decision to behave a certain way," she says. "These reactions can stem from previous experiences. Anger can be destructive in relationships because it erodes the bond between people. It can affect any relationship, right from the parent-child, colleague, friend, sibling, or spousal relationship."
Since anger itself is a manifestation of hurt, most therapists try to explore the root of the problem. The goal then is that, rather than suppressing anger, people find healthy ways to express the hurt that is causing it.
Ways to keep a lid on it
- Identifying unmet needs Anger is often an indication of an unmet need. It is also a sign that something is not right. "Ask yourself what this could be, and if you can find a way to express this need to those who matter," says Singh.
- Stepping back from the situation "You have heard this before, because it is critical to remove yourself from the situation if you continue to feel angry in it," Singh says. This will lead to a change in your visual perspective and emotional environment, giving you a chance to think clearly about actions to take and words to express.
- Reviewing expectations Having an expectation that is not being met can also spark anger. Singh recommends asking yourself if the expectation is unreasonable, unspoken or out of your awareness. "Managing your expectations, which means accepting people and situations for what they are, can help," she says.
- Who is right? Sometimes it is easier to process anger if we stop and ask ourselves if the other person is right. "We hold on to a lot of negativity through our need to be right. The sooner we ask ourselves this question, the better," says Singh.
- Exercise "This may sound like strange advice as an anger management tip but exercise releases endorphins and other chemicals that regulate the body's stress response," says Singh. This will help make the emotional manifestation less debilitating when experiencing feelings such as anger or anxiety, for example.
Case study
"A recent case example I can cite is one where a married lady started to grow increasingly upset at her husband for coming home late without calling her to let her know. As she sat around and waited, her hurt started to manifest as anger so that as soon as he returned home in the evening she would start to criticise him about seemingly unrelated issues and the conversation would escalate into a shouting match within minutes. By not expressing her feelings to him, she was trying to avoid conflict, but the anger could not be contained for long. She then worked on developing her ability to express her hurt when needed, and he worked on learning to share his thoughts to allow them to feel more connected to each other."
melshoush@thenational.ae
Don't blow that fuse
A Dubai therapist who treats people with anger issues offers tips on how to keep your cool.
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